The Pastor’s Mother

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please.” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that”, the usher said, “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

Hey, Mrs Tambourine Woman….

Tambourine player tased during church service
POSTED 2:11 PM, JUNE 29, 2012, BY LANCE WEST, UPDATED AT 05:49PM, JUNE 29, 2012 – News Channel 4

 

EDMOND, Okla. — Most churches encourage praise and worship. In fact, the Bible states, “make a joyful noise to the Lord.”

But 50-year-old Vickey Sue Beyersdorfer apparently went a bit too far.

Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Department Spokesman Mark Myers said, “Nobody could pay attention to the sermon or what was going on so that’s when our deputy was able to take care of the situation.”

The religious ruckus happened at Victory Church at 1515 N. Kelly Ave in Edmond.

A woman was apparently playing a tambourine too loudly during Wednesday night services.

When she refused to stop, the woman was escorted out by an off duty Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Deputy.

Myers said, “He had to physically escort her outside the church. Once outside, she broke free from the deputy and tried to go back inside, there became a physical confrontation.”

According to the arrest report, the deputy was forced to pepper spray and tase the unruly woman.

Myers said, “She was not filled with the Holy spirit. She was not being very Christianly and this is why the folks decided to get her out as soon as possible.”

Witnesses said the combative Christian was staggering and had slurred speech.

Authorities did find prescription pain medication in her possession.

Authorities have not said if that medication was found in her system or if that may have contributed to the incident.

iPad

Goodbyee (comments made by members after the church service)

In my first Charge, I had former Moderator of the GA, Dr Archie Craig, as a member. One Sunday, he seemed particularly interested in my sermon, looking at me intently. Thought I: “It must have been a cracker, what I preached this morning” When he left after the service, as we shook hands at the door, he peered at my face, and said – “Ah, I thought so… you ARE growing a moustache.”

–ooOoo–

My late wife was VERY English and loved the “bells and smells” of the C of E. We married when I was a Probationer Assistant. After attending her first service at the kirk where I was learning my trade, the congregation’s busy-body came up to her, and – in a condescending voice – asked, “And what did you think of our Church of Scotland style of worship?” Helen replied, “It’s a bit dull, isn’t it!”

–ooOoo–

“Yon service was far tae long – ah cannae stop; the broth will be biled tae nothing”

–ooOoo–

We once finished a particular service with a hymn in Common Metre (can’t remember which); I changed the tune to St James; the singing was awful & the comments at the door ranged from “that was terrible” to “where did you find that dreadful hymn” etc. Almost all negative (in fact, none positive).

Out of sheer bloody mindedness, I chose – as our opening hymn, the next Sunday: Thou art the Way…. They sang it with unrestrained gusto (oh, the tune is, of course, St James)

–ooOoo–

During my stint as a full time Healthcare Chaplain, part of my remit was to give talks to the likes of (Woman’s) Guilds; the talk was all ad libbed, including a few humorous anecdotes and serious stuff about spiritual care in an NHS environment.

After one evening talk (somewhere in the depths of Dumfries and Galloway), escorted to the door by Madam President, she said, “I wish I had your gift”

Embarrassed shrug of the shoulders….

“Aye, the gift of the gab!”

Bribery!

A young girl’s parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning.  As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favourite restaurant afterwards.

During the pastor’s rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice. “And where do you think those who live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?”

The girl stood in her seat and cried out, “To my favourite restaurant!”

11 Bizarre Church Laws That Could Send You To Jail

Yasmine Hafiz The Huffington Post 06/01/14 

Some states take their religious services very seriously. Breaking these laws could send you straight from the chapel to the cooler for something as simple as a sneeze. Though these appear to all still be on the books, a lawyer probably wouldn’t have a prayer of successfully prosecuting anyone arrested for eating peanuts in church. At least, we hope not…

Courtesy of DumbLaws.com, here are eleven strange church laws that could get you arrested.

 

Alabama

 It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

 

 Delaware

In Rehoboth it is illegal to whisper in church.

 

Maine  Shotguns must be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

 

 Massachussetts In Boston, it is against the law to eat peanuts while in church.

 

 Mississippi Private citizens may arrest anyone who disturbs a church service.

 

Nebraska  In Omaha, it’s illegal to sneeze or burp during a church service.

 

New York  In New York City, it is illegal to break wind in church with the intention of causing a disturbance.

North Carolina  It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

Ohio  It is against the law to kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church without a license.

 

Texas  It is illegal to go to church in disguise.

 

West Virginia  In Nicholas County, no clergy members may tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during church services.

…… but they must leave their hats on.

SHOCK as Pastor orders LADIES to go to church without P@NT!£S and B&@S….for Christ to ‘enter’, Dandora
The Kenyan DAILY POSTCounty News 21:25

Tuesday 25th February 2014 – A pastor from a church in Dandora Phase 2 has ordered all female members to go to the church ‘free’- without underwear for Christ to enter their lives!

Rev. Njohi of Lord’s Propeller Redemption church has advised female worshippers from wearing any undergarments to the church terming them as ungodly. In a meeting chaired by him, a law was passed banning the wearing of underwears. Njohi claims that when going to church, people need to be free in ‘body’ and ‘spirit’ to receive Christ.

He went ahead to warn members of dire consequences if they secretly put on their under garments. A member of the church who sought anonymity said that in last Sunday’s service, ladies did just as the pastor ordered.

Mothers were also advised to do the same and check their daughters when coming to church on Sundays so as to receive Christ too.

What is really happening to our pastors?

The Kenyan DAILY POST

Driving to Church

Satan Visits The Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a small town wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

Tennis

The Meenister’s Log

Sunday, 27 January 2013 – Australian Men’s Final

a tip for  minister colleagues :  many in your congregation will be missing the tennis – why not use your hymn-boards to keep them up with the score: one side for Murray and the other for Djokovic.  Two Sunday School kids can update as the game progresses