Grace

church bulletins

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

8. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth into Joy.”

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge… Up Yours!”

The Bible for Dummies (via “Tickl’d”)

Grave Humour (from “The Poke”)

 

The Last Laugh – 19 Memorials & Graves To Raise A Smile (And Possibly The Dead)

November 19, 2013

Death is a very solemn affair, but often inscriptions on graves and memorial benches are not…

1. Alas, Roger Bucklesby may be fake, but his sentiment is not.

2. We miss you, Tits McCrackin of New York.

3. Something we can all relate to.

4. Honestly, I’m okay!

5. Permanently benched.

6. Memorial plaques are also a prefect place to share veg-related wisdom.

7. Proof that even in death, people still have manners.

8. Time to look back at a life and reflect.

9. Even in death you still have problem with the neighbours.

10. Tell others about your life accomplishments (or use Photoshop).

11. Offer some thoughtful nuggets of advice.

12. Let your choice of tomb be influenced by the deceased’s surname.

13. Apologise for nothing.

14. Don’t forget to include contemporary technological references.

15. Be proud of your surname.

16. And stay cool.

17. R.I.P Beers.

18. The day the music died.

19. Finally, it’s not just humans that get all the fun (?) with graves. Case in point, this wonderfully named dog.

Laughter 3 – Clowns (from “The Year of the Child” vol 1 issue 3 1992)

Clowns have been around since the beginning of recorded history. Since humanity began walking in an upright position their have been clown-like characters in the clans, tribes, or communities.

Their function was to lift the spirits of the people.

In those days some comic relief was essential. Imagine the stress of saber-tooth tigers and the like! 

During the Middle Ages in Europe clown-like characters were used in cathedrals as interpreters to relay to the back rows what priests were saying at the altar.

Clowns had an important role in those medieval church services, they played the part of “holy interrupters”, popping up to illustrate the theological points through mime, magic, or even mockery.

Gradually, however, they began to satirize the church and secular society. This did not make the clowns very popular with the church fathers. They fell out of favour with the church, and were thereafter banished to traveling shows…the secular world of the circus …until their recent revival.

In 1969, Floyd Shaffer, a Luther minister, created his clown persona named Socataco. Reverend Shaffer brought Socataco into the sanctuary and preformed clown worship services.

His congregation was so moved by what he conveyed through Socataco, that they wanted more. They began to discover their own clown personas.

Today there are thousands of clown ministry groups in the United States and around the world, whose members put on big red noses and funny shoes in order to serve God through the unique expression of the clown.

                    The clown is a heart-to-heart communicator, whose nature is that of joy,  compassion, aliveness

                     and spontaneity and whose message is that of hope,  humour, humility and harmony.

            Clown ministry is an intergenerational activity, blending children, youth, adults and

            senior citizens in service to the church and the community.

           Clown groups perform in special worship services and minister to hospital,  nursing

           homes,  and children shelters.

           They heal through laughter and play. Some remarkable things happen in mental  

           hospitals where people previously unable to trust other human beings have  responded to

          clowns.

           Charles Fillmore is quoted as saying, “When joy is put back into religion, there  will  be

          more  religion in the world.”

     

           There is always a need to brighten up our lives and the lives of others…turn  frowns into  clowns!”

ps  I’ve always found them to be a bit creepy – but each to his own  (Meenister)