Monthly Archives: December 2012

Return of the World’s Worst Student

The Meenister’s Log

A pre-funeral pastoral visit:  the widow, “I can’t stop crying – I’m in floods of tears all the time”.

Student: “I see that you’re on a lot of medication, by the looks of what’s on the table by your chair.”

“Aye, I am” says she.

“Well, if you’re greetin’ so much, you’ll not be needing to take the diuretics so often, and that means fewer visits to the loo”

 

–ooOOoo–

Another occasion – Student: “It was Oscar Wilde who said ‘either that wallpaper goes or I do’ ….. but I have to say Mrs X that you have fine taste in decoration”

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Love is…..

love is

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December 31, 2012 · 01:10

The Water of Life

A Highland Story Fiddler’s Well
. . THE path rises, by a kind of natural stair to the top of the precipices, and continues to ascend till it reaches a spring of limpid water, which comes gushing out of the side of a bank covered with moss and daisies, and which for more than a century has been known to the townspeople by the name of Fiddler’s Well. Its waters are said to be medicinal, and there… is a pretty tradition still extant of the circumstance through which their virtues were first discovered, and to which the spring owes its name.
Two young men of Cromarty, who were much attached to each other, were seized at nearly the same time by consumption. In one the progress of the disease was rapid— he died two short months after he was attacked by it while the other, though wasted almost to a shadow, had yet strength enough left to follow the corpse of his companion to the grave. The name of the survivor was Fiddler—a name still common among the seafaring men of the town. On the evening of the interment he felt oppressed and unhappy; his imagination was haunted by a thousand feverish shapes of open graves with bones mouldering round their edges, and of coffins with the lids displaced; and after he had fallen asleep, the images, which were still the same, became more ghastly and horrible. Towards morning, however, they had all vanished; and he dreamed that he was walking alone by the sea-shore in a clear and beautiful day of summer. Suddenly, as he thought, some person stepped up behind, and whispered in his ear, in the voice of his deceased companion, “Go on, Willie; I shall meet you at Stormy.” There is a rock in the neighbourhood of Fiddler’s Well, so called, from the violence with which the sea beats against it when the wind blows strongly from the east. On hearing the voice he turned round, and, seeing no one, he went on, as he thought, to the place named, in the hope of meeting his friend, and sat down on a bank to wait his coming; but he waited long—lonely and dejected; and then remembering that he for whom he waited was dead, he burst into tears. At this moment a large field-bee came humming from the west, and began to fly round his head. He raised his hand to brush it away; it widened its circle, and then came humming into his ear as before. He raised his hand a second time, but the bee would not be scared off; it hummed ceaselessly round and round him, until at length its murmurings seemed to be fashioned into words, articulated in the voice of his deceased companion. “Dig, Willie, and drink!” it said; “Dig, Willie, and drink! He accordingly set himself to dig, and no sooner had he torn a sod out of the bank than a spring of clear water gushed from the hollow; and the bee, taking a wider circle, and humming in a voice of triumph that seemed to emulate the sound of a distant trumpet, flew away. He looked after it, but as he looked the images of his dream began to mingle with those of the waking world; the scenery of the hill seemed obscured by a dark cloud, in the centre of which there glimmered a faint light; the rocks, the sea, the long declivity faded into the cloud; and turning round he saw only a dark apartment, and the faint beams of morning shining in at a window. He rose, and, after digging the well, drank of the water and recovered. And its virtues are still celebrated; for though the water be only simple water, it must be drunk in the morning, and as it gushes from the bank; and with pure air, exercise, and early rising for its auxiliaries, it continues to work cures.

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2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 13,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 3 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

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Seven Rules of Life

Seven Rulesof Life

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December 30, 2012 · 20:30

Aliens

aliens

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December 30, 2012 · 18:41

Irish Blessings

May you get to Heaven a half hour before the Devil knows you’re dead. ~Irish Proverb

May you live all the days of your life. ~Irish blessing, also attributed to Jonathan Swift

A sunbeam to warm you,
A moonbeam to charm you,
A sheltering angel, so nothing can harm you.
~Irish Blessing

May you live as long as you are fit to live, but no longer! or, may you rather die before you cease to be fit to live than after! ~Philip Dormer Stanhope, 1749

May the devil chase you every day of your life and never catch you. ~Irish Toast

May the holes in your net be no larger than the fish in it. ~Irish Blessing

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn’t turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping.
~Irish Blessing

 

May you live to be a hundred years
With one extra year to repent.
~Author Unknown

 

ay you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
~Irish Blessing

 

Here’s to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer and another one!
~Author Unknown

Here’s a sigh to those who love me,
And a smile to those who hate;
And, whatever sky’s above me,
Here’s a heart for every fate.
~George Gordon, Lord Byron, “To Thomas Moore”

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Good Samaritan

Good Samaritan

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December 30, 2012 · 17:29

Dark Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes it is.”

Boy- “I have a baseball.”

Man- “That’s nice.”

Boy- “Want to buy it?”

Man- “No, thanks.”

Boy- “My dad’s outside.”

Man- “OK, how much?”

Boy- “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy- “Dark in here.”

Man- “Yes, it is.”

Boy- “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy- “$750.”

Man- “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says “$1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again.”

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To Everything there is a Season

God

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won’t get mad

God: I promise .

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn’t work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that

Me (humbled): OH

God: I didn’t let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn’t want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn’t afford to miss work.

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn’t even let you talk to them so you would be covered.

Me (softly): I see

 God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn’t think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I’m Sorry God

God: Don’t be sorry, just learn to Trust Me…. in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don’t doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

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