3 Baptismal Tales

Baptismal Tales


It was a glorious sunny Sunday and, at the small village church, we awaited the arrival of the baptismal party.

Father arrived first, followed a few minutes later by Mum.

“Where’s the baby?” I asked them.

Mother turned to Dad and said, “You were supposed to bring him while I finished getting dressed”

And he replied, “You said that you would bring him, once you were ready!”

Jokingly (never make jokes that folk with a humour by-pass don’t get), I said “Why don’t we just go ahead with the service and I’ll baptize  the wee fellow in absentia?”

“Oh, can you do that?”    (duh!)

Luckily, a few minutes later, the godmother appeared with the infant – explaining, “It was such a lovely day and I thought that we’d be too early – so I took Tyrone for a wee walk in his buggy”



A pre-baptism visit to the happy couple……

“And the baby’s name is?”

Big Izzy, the mother of the infant: “Kylie”

“Ah”, says I ‘ she ‘should be so lucky””

Father, wee Hughie, interrupts “That’s no her name!”

Big Izzy: “That’s whit’s on her birth certificate!”

Hughie: “Aye, ‘cos you registered her!  You know that I wanted her tae hae ma Ma’s name”

Izzy: “Yer Ma’s a horrible wee wummin”

Me:”What is your Mother’s name, Mr Torrance?”

Hughie: “Unity Nicola”

Izzy: “Unity?  Jeeze, that one would cause a fight in an empty room”

Hughie: “You know full well that she was cried Nicola or Nikki – she didnae like Unity”

Me: “OK, Mr and Mrs Torrance, you’ve got to come to a decision.  “You’ve ‘Got to be certainabout what we call Kylie”

Izzy: “to keep the peace, we’ll have his Mam’s names as middle names. ‘Cos, Hughie, I luv ya – but yer mother’s still an auld besom”.

So it was to be Kylie Unity Nicola Torrance

I left, my head ‘spinning around

It was only when I got home that I realised the full horror of what little Kylie was to be named: Kylie Unity Nicola Torrance – work it out yourselves from the initials

(verily I say unto you – the above story is true, apart from the large chunks that are pure fabrication!)



The Two Amigos (see below: post “Crichton Church Services” 13 July 2013) were the best of friends, but sometimes they would fall out…. and on this particular occasion, big time!

The Church was open to everyone, patients, staff, those who liked a half-hour early Sunday service  (9.15)

Occasionally, a nursing member of staff – usually from the Infirmary – would ask me to baptise their child or grandchild.

So one Sunday morning, here we all were – the Baptismal party and their family and friends – about 30 of them – sitting on the left hand side of the Church and all dressed in their finery.

I guess that most of the “guests” didn’t realise that this was the Church for the Crichton Royal Hospital which cared for those with mental health problems.

They soon did so!  The side door was violently flung open and in came the two amigos – late as usual.  No smiles nor waves this time; obviously, they had been bickering about something.

The bickering turned into squabbling.  The squabbling turned into pushing then punching.

And the two ended up in the aisle next to where the baptismal visitors were sitting.  They rolled about on the floor, walloping each other, gouging, strangling ……. to the horror of the folks next to them  (no doubt thinking, “What kind of Church is this?”)

We manged to separate them, their ward was phoned, and exeunt stage left by the vestry door.

And, nonplussed, I just carried on as if nothing had happened.

The next Sunday, we were all back to normal.  Crash – the door thrown open – the two pals enter – a wave, a grin and a big “Hello!” to the congregation.

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July 14, 2013 · 03:51

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