Monthly Archives: August 2013

Cannibals and Pentecostals

Q What happened to the cannibal tribe that ate the pentecostal missionaries?

A They ended up throwing up their hands

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Father Jack on realising that the X-Factor was back on TV

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August 31, 2013 · 17:42

Tomatoes are Christian (article in Turkish News)

‘Tomatoes are Christian,’ Egyptian Salafi group warns      

 The group's message on Facebook.            


A  Salafi group called the “Popular Egyptian Islamic Association” has warned Muslims against eating tomatoes on the grounds that the fruit is a “Christian food,” has reported.    The group based its claim on the fact that a shape resembling a cross is revealed when one cuts a tomato in half.    The association published the warning on its Facebook page with a photo of a tomato cut in half, revealing a cross-shaped interior. 
A message posted on the page read, “Eating tomatoes is forbidden because they are Christian. [The tomato] praises the cross instead of Allah and says that Allah is three [in reference to the Holy Trinity].”   The message went on to say, “I implore you to spread this photo because there is a sister from Palestine who saw the Prophet of Allah in a vision and he was crying, warning his nation against eating [tomatoes]. If you don’t spread this [message], know that it is the devil who stopped you.”   The message caused outrage among Facebook users, which prompted the group to clarify their warning, saying they did not tell people not to eat tomatoes. “We said don’t cut it in [such a way that it reveals] the cross shape.”

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Christmas Cards

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What denomination?” Asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well give me 50 Church of Scotland and 50 Methodist ones.”

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Church on Fire

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed into the meeting shouting, The building is on fire!”

The Methodists immediately gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?”

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door, declaring the fire was evil.

The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

The Jews posted symbols on the doors, hoping the fire would pass.

The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”

The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”

The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

The Christian Scientists concluded there was no fire.

The Church of Scotland appointed a convener who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

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The Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation

How would the Church of England deal with “the cat sat    on the mat” if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage    did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had    different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted    according to the customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the    Evangelicals. They would make it an essential condition of faith that a real physical,    living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered    head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor    covering, designed for that purpose, which is on the floor but not of the floor. The    expression “on the floor but not of the floor” would be explained in a leaflet.

Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival    of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and    majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat    Basket of Heaven. This would be commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting    three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism withthe Orthodox    Church which would believe that tradition would require Holy Cats Day [as it would be    colloquially known] to be marked by lighting six candles and ringing the bell four times.    This would be partly resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the traditional    validity of each.

Eventually, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on    the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain that traditionally the text    describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a    fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, it    would follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine    Fenestration Question [How much is that doggie in the window?] and the Affirmative    Musaceous Paradox [Yes, we have no bananas]. And so on, for another 210 pages.

The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful    resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of    the cat sat on the mat.

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Jesus said, Whom do men say that I am?

And his disciples answered and said, Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elias, or other of the old prophets.

And Jesus answered and said, But whom do you say that I am?

Peter answered and said, “Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being co-equal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple.”

And Jesus, answering, said, “What?”

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Heart Attack


Charlie Chaplain’s Tales



A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a local minister”.

The man quickly responds, “the lawyer’s”.

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that clergymen are bleeding hearts and the lawyer’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!”

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The Lawyer and the Meenister

A clergyman and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the minister to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.

St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the minister says “Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”

St. Peter says: “Well, clergy are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”

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The Elderly Patient


Charlie Chaplain’s Tales


I once found an elderly gentleman  already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, ready to leave.

“Off home, then?” I said, stating the obvious.

“Yes, just waiting for my wife”

“May I give you a hand to the lifts and then to the ground floor exit”.

On the way down I asked him where his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

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