Vices. [via John Orr]

There was a man whose life was marked with extreme vice. He smoked like a lum, drank like a fish, and had unbridled sexual passions.
He decided that he was headed for an early grave and resolved to turn his life around.
But he realised he would need some serious help, and so prayed to God.
That night God appeared in a blinding flash and said, “How can I help you, my son?”
“Well,” said the man, “I really need to turn my life around. I smoke like a lum, drink like a fish, and my days are spent in unbridled sexual lust. I don’t want to die young, so I need some help to reform.”
And God said, “There’s nothing for it. You’ll simply have to give up the fags, the booze, and the sex, if you want to live longer. (Well, it’ll seem longer anyway.) I’ll visit you again in a month and see how you are doing.”
A month later God once again appeared to the man in a blinding flash.
And God asked, “So, how is it going with the smoking?”
The man replied that he had been able to stop smoking completely.
“Very good,” said God, “and what about the drinking?”
The man replied that he had also been able to give up drinking completely.
“That’s excellent,” said God, “and what about the unbridled sexual lust?”
“Well,” said the man, “that’s been a bit more difficult.”
“Tell me,” said God.
“Well, I had been managing just fine until a few days ago,” said the man. “But then I saw my girlfriend bent over the freezer to get a packet of frozen peas. And I just had to have her, there and then.”
And God said, “There’s no room for that sort of behaviour in the Kingdom of Heaven!”
“Aye,” said the man, “and apparently there’s nae room for it in Tesco either.”

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Filed under The Ramblings of a Reformed Ecclesiastic

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