Monthly Archives: October 2016

Behold, I make all things new…

A somewhat dowdy middle-aged woman was devasted when her husband of almost thirty years ran off with an attractive blonde more than half her age. Depressed and stressed, with tension gripping her, …

Source: Behold, I make all things new…

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Behold, I make all things new…

A somewhat dowdy middle-aged woman was devasted when her husband of almost thirty years ran off with an attractive blonde more than half her age.

Depressed and stressed, with tension gripping her, she suffered a heart attack, and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 38 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it….and, who knows, perhaps even meet a “toy boy”. A new life beckoned.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 38 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”

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Duh!

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October 23, 2016 · 20:16

Twit

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October 20, 2016 · 11:04

Luther

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October 9, 2016 · 14:43

Nietzsche

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October 9, 2016 · 12:44

zzzzzZZZZZ!!!!!

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Steak

A  Bishop is visiting Dublin for a conference. While there, a fellow clergyman recommends a restaurant to go to en route to the railway station.
He takes the advice, and decides to treat himself to a steak . He goes in, sits down, and waits for his order to be taken.
Finally, a waitress comes over.

“Good day!” he says, “one steak please, rare”.”

She returns to his table some ten minutes later, puts his plate of sirloin down before him, and says, ““ONE BLOODY STEAK, Father”.
The bishop says, ““Young lady,  I am a ‘man of God’ and cursing like that offends me.”

She replies, “Oh no, I wasn’t swearing. That’s what we call an underdone steak here – it’s how the chef cooks it….bloody”

“Right so”, replies the bishop accepting this explanation, “Sorry, I misunderstood”
A  year later, the Bishop is back in town, at a three day conference.

On the last evening he says to a couple of priests who are with him, “Look, lads, we’ve had a grand time here, but the cookin’ hasn’t been wonderful. So am treatin’ you to a slap-up dinner in a wee place I discovered last time I was here in the city. How’s about it?”

So they go to the restaurant, sit down, and when the waitress comes over, the Bishop says, three bloody  steaks, please””
As she goes off to get the order, one of the priests shouts after her, “Aye, and we’ll have  plenty of fecking chips with them!”

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A Visit

The doorbell rang, and the elderly gentleman, whose house this was, went to the front door and opened it.

Standing there was a couple – a middle aged woman and a younger man.  The woman was clutching a bundle of pamphlets and magazines.

“We’d like to interest you in ‘missionary work'”, said the young man.

“Who exactly are you?” asked the homeowner.

“We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses” replied the woman.

“Oh, do come in!” said the old man, “I’m fascinated with religion in all its denominations and faiths”

So they entered the house, and were invited to take a seat at the kitchen table – they accepted.

“I’m just mixing myself a Bloody Mary. Would you like one too?”

Horrified, yet politely, they declined. “A glass of water instead, please?” they asked, “If that’s OK”

“Certainly! Two glasses of Adam’s Ale coming up”

Then he added, “This is lovely; I’m so happy to see you both. Now, what is it that you want to share with me”

Silence…..then – the woman stutters, “I don’t know! We’ve never got beyond the front door before!”

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Dives and Lazarus (and “Rover”….?!)

Luke 16:19-31.  New King James Version (NKJV)

 

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Lazarus at the rich man’s gate by Fyodor Bronnikov, 1886.

 

19 “There was a certain rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and fared sumptuously every day. 20 But there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, full of sores, who was laid at his gate, 21 desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 So it was that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s bosom. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 And being in torments in Hades, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

 

 

Jesus told the parable of a poor man named Lazarus who was lying at the gate of a rich man who doesn’t even feed him scraps from his table “and moreover, the dogs came and licked his sores.”

A child, listening to the story mishears: “and more, Rover the dog came and licked his sores!”

And so we have the only dog with a name and with compassion appearing in Scripture as far as the child is concerned – a compassion which the rich neighbour never showed.

It well may be a fascinating and informative venture to hear the Gospel interpreted by a child; “for out of the mouths of babes and sucklings…….”

via Canon Colin Samson, Trinidad

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