Genesis: That garden was a total disaster. It had no border protection at all – something that we can thank Bill Clinton for. Snakes were crossing the border, trying to steal fruit and jobs. Wouldn’t have happened had I been there. I would have built a wall and made the snake pay for it. I would have vetted every snake.
Exodus: Let’s talk about Moses. He achieved nothing during the first 80 years of his life. You look at his record. He won’t tell you this, but he did nothing. And are we sure he was even an Israelite? He lived in the Egyptian palace. When he had the chance, he couldn’t even get into the Promised Land. Sad.
Numbers & Deuteronomy: NO ONE has more respect for the Mosaic Law than me. I have never once broken it.
Judges: Don’t like Deborah. No understanding of foreign policy. Don’t like Gideon. No understanding of military strength. Samson endorsed me.
1 Samuel: David’s “election” as the future king of Israel was completely rigged by the liberal media. He was the least qualified of all the candidates! Every poll showed David trailing, and yet somehow he won the position. The media won’t talk about this!
Nehemiah: He understood the importance of walls, which I like. His policy on helping the poor? Disaster. He empowered them by helping them. He probably liked Obamacare.
Job: Job was a man who knew how to run a business (and probably a country). He loses everything and then be builds it all over again. His wife seemed like a nasty woman, though. And he wouldn’t have had so many health issues if Obamacare was repealed. I’m going to turn that back.
Song of Solomon: My favorite book. I’ve said almost all these things to Melania, who I respect. ONLY MELANIA. No one else. I respect all women. No one respects them more. Not even women. Hillary doesn’t respect women as much as I do.
Lamentations: This book is a warning of what America will become without me.
Daniel: I’m not friends with Nebuchadnezzar. I respect him as a bigly leader. I think it would be good if we got along with Babylon. I think it would help us as we fight ISIS, which is a complete disaster right now. But no, I’m not friends with him.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, John: Hillary started the birther talk that Jesus was actually born out of wedlock. I am ending it right now. I am finally bringing that to a close.
Acts: Peter and John had no silver or gold to give to the lame beggar. Why do you think that was? Taxes and NAFTA! Both of which crooked Hillary wants to increase!
1 & 2 Corinthians: I’m grateful to have the endorsement of the super apostles who refused to endorse Paul. So who’s the better leader – me or Paul? I’ll let you decide. Also, he says he’s been to the third heaven? But where’s the evidence? This is, yet again, the liberal media at work.
Revelation: Jerry Falwell Jr. has informed me that if I am elected, there is a high probability that the 1,000 year reign of Christ will begin. He also told me that Hillary is the anti-Christ.