Monthly Archives: May 2018

A Man and his Dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble… At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’

‘This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.. ‘Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up. ‘The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

‘Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.

‘I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.’

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

‘Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’

‘Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’

‘How about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.

‘There should be a bowl by the pump.’

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree..

‘What do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.

‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.

‘Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveler said. ‘The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’

‘Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’

‘Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’

‘No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.

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Pentecost reimagined

So there they were – a load o’ fowk fae aw o’er, staunin’ aboot.

Suddenly – and a kid yous not – wheech! A hoolie swep in and they were bamboozled.

Then there wus somethin like tungs o’ fire that nipped them.

“Wtf!” they said. “We’re fae Govan, Carantyne, Easterhoose, Drumchapel, Brig’toon, and everywhere north, sooth, west, east – some fae oot o’ toon a the gither…… an’ jeez….. we can a un’erstaund whit these f***ers are sayin.”

Some said – och, come on, they’ve been on the bevvy!

Then big Pete says tae them, “Haud yer wheesh! Ma pals arenae pished. Come on! It’s only 9 in the morn!”

(voice from the crowd: “Av bin neckin’ Bucky since a got up at 6!”)

So Rocky gies him the eye. “Shut the f up! Am gonnie tell yous about a different kinda bevvy – this wan is cried the Spirit whit was prophesied by that auld guy, Joel…. ken? No, Billy Joel, mind.”

And he starts to explain.

(Interrupted by someone in the crowd: “spirits?! Wha can afford them wi’ the new unit prices? Hell, White Lighnins gone up fae 4 quid tae 10! Ffs!”)

But big Pete carries oan- and yous no whit the rest of the story is……….

 

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Night and Day – He’s the one

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May 8, 2018 · 11:09

Behold, I come quickly!

A particular hellfire minister was once preaching on Revelation 22:12A.

“Behold, I come quickly!”, he announced. Then, for emphasis, bellowed out the text very loudly, while thumping the pulpit lectern.

At this point, the rather small flimsy Pulpit collapsed, and he ended up in the lap of a choir member.

A fellow chorister was heard to remark, “Well, at least he warned us!”

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Literalism – or what an ass!

“Moses Tied His ‘Ass’ to a Tree” – Jim Rigby

The people of a village once looked out to see one of their most pious neighbors tied to a tree. Rushing out to release him, they were stunned to discover that he had tied the knots himself. “Moses tied his ass to a tree,” the man said sternly, “and I’m going to follow the Moses!”

“But the word “ass” originally meant “donkey, not rear end,” someone replied. ”Moses wouldn’t want you to suffer like this.” The man shook his head, “God’s word is unchanging. If you want to pick and choose what you’re going to obey that’s fine, but I take it all literally.”

Eventually, there was just a skeleton tied to the tree. The people were so impressed by the faith of the man that they built an altar with a sign that read, “You can be like this man if you will take the Bible literally.”

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