Strange days

A strange one….yesterday I conducted a wedding at a local popular venue. First of all, the couple were delightful & the guests lovingly supportive toward the bride and groom…..but, here’s a thing: after the ceremony and the signing of the legal papers, having wished the couple well, on my way out I said to the company that I hoped that they would have a great celebration at the reception & a safe journey home. Added my thanks for their being there to rejoice with the bride and groom on that particularly happy day…… and got a round of applause!

But that’s not the strange bit. Before the service, I chatted to a new member of staff. Was asked if I were a minister (the dog-collar should have been a giveaway!) Answer: ‘yes – Church of Scotland’

‘Are you allowed to get married? Or have sex?’

‘Yes, but I’m a widower’

‘Are you in a relationship?’

‘No. And who would want a 69 year old wee fat man who is retired?’

‘Unless they’ve got loads of money’

Silence

‘You’re retired – does the Church still (?) give you a car?

“No, I’ve got my own”

“What kind?” ………..

…… so, after the ceremony, he follows me into the car park to look at my Jaguar – and asked if he could reverse it.

Saved by the piper – escorting the marriage party out. He had to dash back to get on with work.

Strange. Very strange

 

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Dyslexic Father Christmas?

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November 19, 2016 · 20:11

Death’s a beach…..

So, this guy dies…….

……and wakes up on a beach.

The weather is hot, the sea is turquoise and warm, beautiful  girls are playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy.

All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

“Welcome to Hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me.” he says.

The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl.

He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole.

The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.

“Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What’s that about?”

“Oh”, Satan says:

“That’s for the Christians, they want it that way.”

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Baptismal Font

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This is real – oops! the church where it is situated should have looked more closely at the design, before commissioning it.

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This would be a denominational matter..

img_5189Maybe it’s the Anglican version of halal – it might refer to the way the pigs were slaughtered. Allowed to die of boredom while listening to an interminably long sermon.

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In Flanders Field

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Psalm 53 in Aramaic

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Visit to Buddhist Temples, Bangkok – November 2016

Temples: Wat Traimit, this houses the world’s largest solid gold Buddha (5.5 tonnes of precious metal!);

Wat Pho, this is the oldest temple in Bangkok and houses the Reclining Buddha, a 45-metre-long statue which depicts Buddha entering Nirvana. Wat Pho is also ‘‘Thailand’s first university’’.

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The Donald and the Bible

Donald Trump Discusses His Favorite Books Of The Bible

Genesis: That garden was a total disaster. It had no border protection at all – something that we can thank Bill Clinton for. Snakes were crossing the border, trying to steal fruit and jobs. Wouldn’t have happened had I been there. I would have built a wall and made the snake pay for it. I would have vetted every snake.

Exodus: Let’s talk about Moses. He achieved nothing during the first 80 years of his life. You look at his record. He won’t tell you this, but he did nothing. And are we sure he was even an Israelite? He lived in the Egyptian palace. When he had the chance, he couldn’t even get into the Promised Land. Sad.

Numbers & Deuteronomy: NO ONE has more respect for the Mosaic Law than me. I have never once broken it.

Judges: Don’t like Deborah. No understanding of foreign policy. Don’t like Gideon. No understanding of military strength. Samson endorsed me.

1 Samuel: David’s “election” as the future king of Israel was completely rigged by the liberal media. He was the least qualified of all the candidates! Every poll showed David trailing, and yet somehow he won the position. The media won’t talk about this!

Nehemiah: He understood the importance of walls, which I like. His policy on helping the poor? Disaster. He empowered them by helping them. He probably liked Obamacare.

Job: Job was a man who knew how to run a business (and probably a country). He loses everything and then be builds it all over again. His wife seemed like a nasty woman, though. And he wouldn’t have had so many health issues if Obamacare was repealed. I’m going to turn that back.

Song of Solomon: My favorite book. I’ve said almost all these things to Melania, who I respect. ONLY MELANIA. No one else. I respect all women. No one respects them more. Not even women. Hillary doesn’t respect women as much as I do.

Lamentations: This book is a warning of what America will become without me.

Daniel: I’m not friends with Nebuchadnezzar. I respect him as a bigly leader. I think it would be good if we got along with Babylon. I think it would help us as we fight ISIS, which is a complete disaster right now. But no, I’m not friends with him.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, John: Hillary started the birther talk that Jesus was actually born out of wedlock. I am ending it right now. I am finally bringing that to a close.

Acts: Peter and John had no silver or gold to give to the lame beggar. Why do you think that was? Taxes and NAFTA! Both of which crooked Hillary wants to increase!

1 & 2 Corinthians: I’m grateful to have the endorsement of the super apostles who refused to endorse Paul. So who’s the better leader – me or Paul? I’ll let you decide. Also, he says he’s been to the third heaven? But where’s the evidence? This is, yet again, the liberal media at work.

Revelation: Jerry Falwell Jr. has informed me that if I am elected, there is a high probability that the 1,000 year reign of Christ will begin. He also told me that Hillary is the anti-Christ.

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Nailed it

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November 1, 2016 · 02:02