Tag Archives: Bacon

The Quest for the Ring

It’s becoming quite popular for couples, at their wedding ceremony, to have a trained owl fly in carrying the rings.

This works well outside, but indoors can cause problems; e.g. once, when it had been arranged (and I’m usually told at the last minute, because the person conducting the ceremony isn’t really that important!!!!) that this should happen, the owl – on cue – flew from the back of the sanctuary and alighted, not on the Best Man’s wrist as planned, but on a rafter above the organist.

Our organist almost “had a canary” (sic) as he had an aversion to our feathered friends.  He really was in a flap!

Despite the very best efforts of the “owl man”, the birdie would not move – not helped by some guests taking photos on their phones (friends, how did I end up in this sorry state, after over 40 years of ministry?)

This reminds me of a similar situation when a particular organist was heard muttering, “Bugger off! Bugger off!” at an owl which had decided to perch above his organ console.  The minister who was trying to conduct the ceremony without much success at this crucial juncture in the service crossed the chancel floor, and, forgetting that his lapel attached “mike” was still on, said “James, don’t say that!  Just say ‘shoo! shoo!’ and it will bugger off without further prompting!”

Which brings me to a recent marriage that I conducted in a local Castle wedding venue.

The “owl man” didn’t turn up.

What to do?

Well, the owner had a cunning plan; he has a cute little dog called Ernie, and it was decided to attach the actual rings (the Owls just carry dummy ones) to the little fellow’s collar.

The Groom was asked to put a piece of bacon in his kilt sporran (I’m not making this up – it honestly did happen); the idea being that Ernie  would run into the Great Hall – enticed by the smell of his favourite treat, and the rings (in a pouch) would then be retrieved.

Ernie’s big moment arrived. He ran into the Hall at the appropriate moment. He ran here, there, everywhere – except toward the bridegroom.

Eventually, his owner cornered him under a chair.  The rings were retrieved. And Ernie got his piece of bacon!

{do you remember Benny Hill’s song “Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west”?  Well, here’s to Ernie, the fastest wee dog in the South West of Scotland!}

 

 

 

Below – the one and only Ernie the dog

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Bacon

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December 20, 2014 · 14:58

14 Things the Bible Says NOT to Do, But Hypocritical Bible-Thumpers Do Anyway

The Bible bans a lot of things. Just ask right-wingers when they use it to defend their incessant attempts to discriminate against the LGBT community. As we all know, putting one’s devil stick in another man’s hell-hole is forbidden by the Bible–but other stuff is, as well. Like, umm…OK, that’s pretty much the extent of right-wingers’ understanding of the Bible.

Did you know, though, that there is more to the book than the wildly-misrepresented same-sex boom-boom verses in Leviticus? It’s true–we checked! The Bible says “no” to a lot of other things, too. Yes, it’s true that Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross means that we are no longer under the particular set of laws that covers many of them but the thing about cherry-picking verses from Leviticus and the rest of the Old Testament is that if one irrational, invalid, and downright stupid “law” is valid the rest must be, as well!

Here’s a short list of some other things the Bible bans — but Bible-thumpers often do anyway!

14. Cheeseburgers

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Leviticus 3:17

It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor blood.

Cheeseburgers are full of fat, which is a no-no according to Leviticus!

13. Bacon

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Leviticus 11:7

And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you.

Who doesn’t love bacon, right? Well, the Bible doesn’t!

12. Blended Fabrics

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Leviticus 19:19

Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.

Like polyester blends? Well, God doesn’t. You’re going to Hell, sinner!

11. Tearing Your Clothes

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Leviticus 10:6

And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people: but let your brethren, the whole house of Israel, bewail the burning which the LORD hath kindled.

Yeah…it’s happened to all of us. We’ve all torn a shirt when it snags on something, or fallen and ripped the knee of a pair of pants. Well, according to the Bible…we’re gonna die!

10. Going to Church After giving Birth

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Leviticus 12:2

Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.

Leviticus 12:4

And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days; she shall touch no hallowed thing, nor come into the sanctuary, until the days of her purifying be fulfilled.

Leviticus 12:5

But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days.

Women have it rough according to the decrees set forth in the Good Book. If your first instinct is to go to church and show off your new baby, though, you are doing it wrong! Interestingly, you need to stay away from church TWICE as long if you squeeze a little girl our of your sin oven. Your baby can go, but you can’t.

9. Creating Idols, or “Metal Gods”

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Leviticus 19:4

Turn ye not unto idols, nor make to yourselves molten gods: I am the LORD your God.

So…about all those Jesus statues and pendants…

8. Trimming Your Beard

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Leviticus 19:27

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

Ever thought of giving the old beard a trim? Well, sinner, G-man says “no” to that! At least we know the Duck Dynasty guys are fine…

7. Tattoos

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Leviticus 19:28

Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.

Sometimes, you get the urge to pop down to your local tattoo artist and show your love for Jesus by getting his image forever imprinted on your chest. Well, we have some news for you…

6. Mistreating Foreigners

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Leviticus 19:33

And if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land, ye shall not vex him.

Boy, if only right-wing Christians actually read their Bibles…

5. Rounded Haircuts

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Leviticus 19:27 

Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.

Hey Ben Shapiro…you’re going to burn for all eternity…for more than just your haircut.

4. Remarrying After a Divorce

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 Mark 10:11

And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.

Hey Newt…we have some bad news for you….

3. Pulling Out

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Genesis 38:9

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.

Genesis 38:10

And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Not everyone wears a condom…but if you choose not to, you’d better be willing to go all the way with it or you’re gonna BURRRRNNNN.

2.Wearing Gold

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1 Timothy 2:9

“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”

Ladies, pack up your gold and pearls…because Jesus no likie!

1. No Alcohol in Church

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Leviticus 10:9 

Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest ye die.

OK, God, you’re confusing us now. Is Communion OK, or not?

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The Bacon Tree

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days … and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?”

“Well, I think so,” the old Rabbi said, “but I wouldn’t go up dat hill, and down de udder side. Somevun told me you’d run into a big bacon tree.” “A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.”Yah, ah bacon tree. Would I lie? ….. Trust me, I wouldn’t go there.”

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

“So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.” Oh, you know Jewish people don’t eat bacon.” So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me.”

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “Oy….. wait a minute.” He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. “Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mistake! It wunzn’t a bacon tree. It wuz a ham bush.”

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