This Terrifying Bride Is Only Joking Except When She’s Not
From “The Gawker”
Everyone has a friend—a terrifying, beautiful friend—who wields humor the way ranchers wield cattle prods; who jokes, and teases, and Just kidding!s her underlings (“BFFs!”) toward the cliff-edge of nervous breakdown; whose sadism is impossible to fight against because it’s just a joke, why can’t you take a joke? Sometimes, that friend gets married.
The following emails were forwarded to us by a bridesmaid still dazed from her six-month tour in the war zone of her gal pal’s elegant destination wedding. They are a master class in the joking-but-not-joking-seriously-DON’T-cut-your-hair-without-my-permission style of friend management, where every “jest” (no bridesmaids were actually force-fed protein shakes to gain weight) is counteracted by a very real “offense” (one bridesmaid was asked to take diet pills).
All identifying information has been changed; emphasized words and phrases appear as they did in the correspondence (though we have swapped the fluorescent pink of the original text for a more subdued black). So sit back, pop a diet pill because you’re fat, and then pop a chill pill because can’t you take a joke, fattie? Jeez.
Welcome to my bridal party. I thought today would be a great day to start this chain, as it is officially six months until my wedding day.
I just wanted to go over some ground rules.
1. Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks. I for one would really like some time after Thanksgiving to make my body forget about what it consumed, so I thought I would give you guys some cushion room
2. No-one can be skinner than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.
3. Bed times leading up to the wedding will be strictly enforced. I absolutely cannot have you all have saggy, baggy eyes. I am sure you all understand.
4. Swimwear attire: I would like everyone to wear matching bikinis that have rhinestones on the tushie spelling out “maids,” which brings me to my next point.
5. All bikinis leading up to the wedding must be strapless bandeaus. I cannot have terrible tan lines in strapless dresses.
6. Sunscreen: We need to make sure you ladies look lovely and radiant and not red and reptile like. Pack accordingly.
7. Speeches: We all know what happened at Taylor’s wedding. So if you plan to make a toast, please submit it for approval and revision, no later than 4 weeks prior to the wedding.
8. Hair cuts: If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).
9. Attendance: is strongly requested at all events but I will make some exceptions on a case by case basis.
10. Ink: Consider this a moratorium on future tattoos until June 5th. Those of you with visible artwork will be privately contacted with (temporary) removal instructions.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Should everyone abide by these minor requests, I am sure we will all have a memorable weekend.
Just kidding bitches, well, sorta. love you all,
It has been brought to my attention (picture proof) that one of my Maids is in violation of Rule 8 of the Bridal Party Contract. Rule 8 clearly stipulates that “If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).”
While I am sure this was a minor oversight by my bad little bee, I would like to remind everyone of the ramifications of violating any of the aforementioned rules. Failure to adhere to my commandments, can result in Bridalparty banishment!
I would appreciate a call from the hair-color-changing culprit immediately, with a proposed remedy by the end of the day.
The Queen Bee
Hello my faithful bees,
Chloe has colored her hair. She has repented her sins to the QB and she has been forgiven for her minor lapse in forgetting the protocol.
Kudos to Chelsea for asking permission to cut her hair, unfortunately, her request is DENIED.
Onto to my next point. We will begin weekly weigh-ins on January 17th. I will be sending over the form for everyone to fill out and submit with a picture of the scale shortly.
Lastly, I am looking into bridesmaid rhinestone bikinis and I am open to color suggestions from everyone but Miss Holly because I have already chosen a customizable bikini for her, see below. If anyone could help me find bandeau rhinestone bikinis, I would greatly appreciate it. I would like it so say MAIDS in sparkle, rhinestones, or pearls. Not too much to ask, I know.
Holly’s rhinestone bikini:
The Queen Bee
I am preferential to blonde hair (with the exception of Lizzie & Holly who I think are better with darker locks) and seeing as I liked her better as a blonde goddess, it was approved. Had she asked for bangs as well, she would have been denied. Holly, please feel free to come down to Miami and we can go see O.
Also, Chloe, please review the conversation where I approved your highlights and slight trim. NOT HACKING OFF YOUR BANGS.
Good afternoon all of my faithful bees. It brings me great sadness to write this e-mail but it was brought to my attention that one of my chosen-bees has defected. She is in violation of Rule 8, despite asking permission and having her request denied! The punishment is obviously bridal party banishment. However, after careful consideration, I have decided to re-instate her status on a provision basis. As long as her bangs grow out by [date two weeks before the wedding], she will be allowed to participate in our festivities. She has reassured me that she will be using horse shampoo for rapid hair growth until that point.
Miss Chelsea from this point on is on bridal party probation. I hope that everyone understands the severity of breaking any of the aforementioned rules and that defectors will not be treated lightly. Additionally, if anyone does decide to break any future rules, please do not try to justify your behavior by telling me what other maids are doing in other weddings. I do not care and I am the QB. Also, I have posted an image to this e-mail, which will serve as my official logo. Lastly, I will be leaving to Puerto Rico tomorrow morning with Eric and our new wedding planner. I will be sure to keep you all posted as we will be very bzzzzzzzzie. xoxo
Hello my workout bees,
I was thinking that we should start a daily google docs, where everyone can update in real time their daily calorie content. Due to exams, I have not been the very best at requesting our weekly weigh-ins but thought the food calculator would be a great way for me to monitor everyone’s caloric in take. Thoughts?
I hope everyone is doing well. Also, there will be a prize to the most obedient wedding bee 🙂 Kinda like an incentive.
Love you all & and see you all in 17 days!!!
Hello My Beautiful Bees,
All of you should be receiving your dresses in the mail shortly, I know some of you already have. If you could please send me a picture of yourself in the dress, I would greatly appreciate it. I am assuming the dress is going to mandate spanx b/c the material is unforgiving, so I am curious to see how it will look.
I hope everyone is on a water and rice cake diet from this point forward. I would also appreciate it if everyone incorporated arm workouts into their daily routine… Remember no pashminas, just long and slender arms!!! xoxox
Our tipster confirms it was a beautiful wedding. And that one bridesmaid was later asked to “wear a pashmina to cover her ‘fat arms.'”
True story: I know this bride. 3 bridesmaids no longer speak to her.
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