A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,’you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours,all you have to do is ask.’ The cat says,’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says,’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later,6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said,’All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats,dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates,we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says,’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later,God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’ The cat yawns and stretches and says,’Oh,I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!’
The Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation…
How would the Church of England deal with “the cat sat on the mat” if it appeared in the Bible?
The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.
This would lead to an immediate backlash from the Evangelicals. They would make it an essential condition of faith that a real physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, which is on the floor but not of the floor. The expression “on the floor but not of the floor” would be explained in a leaflet.
Meanwhile, the Catholics would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket of Heaven. This would be commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times. This would cause a schism withthe Orthodox Church which would believe that tradition would require Holy Cats Day [as it would be colloquially known] to be marked by lighting six candles and ringing the bell four times. This would be partly resolved by the Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the traditional validity of each.
Eventually, the House of Bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain that traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, it would follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question [How much is that doggie in the window?] and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox [Yes, we have no bananas]. And so on, for another 210 pages.
The General Synod would then commend this report as helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrine of the cat sat on the mat.
The Meenister’s Log
Two small boys once appeared at the door of the Manse and asked “Is this your cat, Mr Strachan?” (obviously looking for a reward) as one of them cradled this kitten in his arms.
She wasn’t, but they got their reward…and we got our punishment! What a vindictive, spiteful wee thing she turned out to be over the several years we had her in a sort of love-hate relationship.
There used to be an old “parlour game” called “The Minister’s Cat”, in which each player had to come up with an adjective beginning with each letter of the alphabet to describe the said feline.
We could use – for the letter ‘C’ the word Conservative, for I once heard it said “That Minister’s a Tory; only Conservatives keep cats – real socialists have dugs!”
Little did they know that a better letter for our cat would have been “A” for “Anarchist” or even “Anti-Christ”
However, Pope John II announced in 1991 that animals have souls (which is a comforting thought for many of us) The argument now is about the immortality or otherwise of their souls.
The idea of Heaven being populated with the likes of our “Meenister’s Cat” would make even a saint have second thoughts.