Tag Archives: cemetery

Nuts!

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
from: This Blew My Mind – http://www.thisblewmymimd.com

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Grave Error of Judgment

The family of a Colorado preacher’s wife is still fuming after the director of the city-owned cemetery refused to engrave her final resting place with the name ‘Jesus’ because it might offend people. The city eventually reversed course under public pressure.

“We were in disbelief,” said Stacy Adams, the daughter-in-law of Linda Baker. “Who tries to censor Jesus from a cemetery?”

Linda Baker lost her battle with cancer last week. She was the wife of Mark Baker, the pastor of Harvest Baptist Church in Ovid.

It’s outrageous that a grieving American family had to fight and cajole a city government to allow them to engage in their Constitutional rights.
Adams said her mother-in-law was passionate about her Christian faith and her family. Her final wish was to have her cemetery marker engraved with the ichthys, a symbol of early Christianity. She also wanted the word ‘Jesus’ written inside the fish.

“At first they told us it wouldn’t fit,” Adams told me. “But after we kept pushing them the cemetery director told us that it might offend somebody. They weren’t going to allow it.”

The family was devastated and asked the cemetery director to reconsider. He refused.

“He said, ‘What if somebody wanted to put a swastika?” she recounted. “My reply was, so what if they do? It’s not my business how they want to be remembered.”

The family then took their concerns to the Sterling city manager – but once again they were rebuffed.

“He refused to work with us,” she said. “He said he would have to take it to the city attorney. They were being difficult.”

She said city officials kept telling them that people would be offended by the name of Christ.

“We weren’t asking for a six-foot neon sign,” she said. “We did not want to put a cross on everyone’s tombstone. It’s a six-inch fish with the name ‘Jesus ‘ on it.”

So the family decided to post their plight on Facebook – and that’s when the city had a change of heart.

“We gave them fair warning,” she said. “We gave them time to do the right thing.”

Sterling City Manager Joe Kiolbasa told 9news.com they would no longer censor religious references on headstones and cemetery markers. He said the cemetery manager made a mistake.

“This gentleman thought it may have been objectionable to someone because of the Christian connotation,” Kiolbasa told the television station. “It will be allowed in the future.”

Adams tells me the family was incredibly distraught and disturbed by the incident.

“As an American and as a Christian, we have this thing called freedom of speech, freedom of expression,” she said. “We weren’t trying to stop anybody from putting anything up. We just wanted the same freedom others have.”

And the cemetery is filled with tombstones that have Bible verses and angels and other religious symbols.

Mrs. Baker’s marker should be finished in the coming days as her family continues the grieving process. But Adams can’t help but wonder who “people are so fearful of one name that they would go to such lengths to try and eliminate it.”

“If it can happen in a small country town like this, it makes you wonder what’s happening in other parts of the nation,” she said.

And I’d like to know who – specifically – would be offended by the name ‘Jesus’ on the grave marker of a pastor’s wife? What kind of malicious, godless, slop-sucking heathen would object to a dying woman’s last wishes?

Stacy Adams raises a valid question.

It’s outrageous that a grieving American family had to fight and cajole a city government to allow them to engage in their Constitutional rights.

The city of Sterling, Colo. owes the family of Linda Baker a sincere apology – and it should probably be delivered from the pulpit of Pastor Baker’s church.

As for the cemetery manager—comparing the name of Jesus to a swastika? Really, sir? My only wish is that on Judgment Day Mrs. Baker is standing at the Pearly Gates watching you explain yourself to Saint Peter.

Todd Starnes is host of Fox News & Commentary

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Grave Humour

gravestone inscriptions:
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903–Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
Car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
And no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the  good die young.
=============================
In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer’s epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne,
England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls ,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket ,
Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went……

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The Hippy and the Nun

A hippy gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. He looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun surprised and shocked by the question gets up and gets off at the first stop

When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippy, “I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you”.

“How?”

The bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prayto God.

“If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you”

“What a great idea!”

So on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.

At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippy jumped out from hiding and says. “I AM GOD” I have heard your prayers and I will answer them”

“BUT … first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but, blushes and says that it will have to be done “another way”  so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.

The hippy agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After he finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts “Ha, Ha Ha I’m the hippy!!”

Then the nun jumps up and shouts “Ha Ha Ha I’m the bus driver!!”

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Fitba’

The Meenister’s Log

One of the most ironic services I conducted was the interment of a Hearts supporter whose family plot lay in the shadow of Hibs Easter Road stadium – they were originally from that part of town.

We proceeded to the cemetery with his own family (some of whom were wearing Jambo colours).

His football scarf was placed on the coffin before it was lowered. And the last offices were performed.

For some reason, his family couldn’t help smiling – and one of them eventually said, “In the shadow of the Hibees stadium – he’ll be turning in his grave!”

I checked, just before we left the graveyard, that was not in fact the case.

 

There is great rivalry between the Old Firm supporters (Celtic and Rangers – though the latter are now in the third division of Scottish football)

The story is told of a game many years ago when a “neutral” found himself standing (in the days of terracing) between two sets of supporters.

He was being pretty silent as the match raged on in front of him.

A Celtic fan eventually asked him what team he supported and he answered “neither”

A Rangers supporter to the right of him said (he had heard the interchange), “Then what are you doing here, you f***ing atheist?”

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at my old Church

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fisticuffs & Panda cars!!!!!!

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