Tag Archives: Coffin

Remains to be seen

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January 20, 2016 · 15:56

The Traffic Warden’s Funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the grave at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside the casket could be heard – Screaming at the top of his voice, the “dead” traffic warden shouted “I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m not dead!! Let me out!  Please let me out!”

The Minister smiled, leaned forward, and expressionlessly muttered, “Too late, pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”

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Grumpy Old Man

grumpy older man

 

There is an old, old story about a cantankerous, crabbit old man. His neighbours avoided him. His four boys moved away from home as soon as they could. His poor wife stood by him, but it was not easy.

One night he went to bed and just slipped away.

His four boys were called in. What should they do? “He was hard to live around,” one of them said, “and no one could get along with him, but he was our Dad. We owe him a decent burial, out in the meadow beyond the field.”

So they went out to the barn and found some boards and made a coffin. They put the box on their shoulders and carried it out past the barn. As they passed through the gate, one of the boys bumped into the post and this caused them to drop the box. The casket broke open and the cantankerous old **** sat straight up.

He was alive! He had only been in a very deep . . . sleep!

Well, life got back to normal. He lived two more years, just as unpleasant and cantankerous as ever. The boys could go back to their homes, but his poor wife had to stay and put up with him.

Then one night he went to bed and just slipped away . . . this time for good.

His four boys were called in. What should they do now? “Well,” said one of them, “he was hard to live around, and no one could get along with him, but he was our Dad. We owe him a decent burial, out in the meadow beyond the field.”

So they went out to the barn and found some boards and made a coffin and put the old man in it. They put the box on their shoulders and started out of the house.

And as they did, their mother–the old man’s wife–said sternly, “Boys, when you get out by the barn . . . BE CAREFUL GOING THROUGH THAT GATE.”

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money, money, money

 

There once was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.

He was a real miser when it came to cash. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the coffin with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”

Well, one day he died.

He was laid out in the coffin; the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”
She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the coffin. Then the undertakers closed it and rolled it away.

Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.”

She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that coffin with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every last penny of his money in the coffin with him?”

“I certainly did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque”

 

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The Coffin and the Wall

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the coffin and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the coffin. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “watch out for the wall!”

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Funeral with a difference

 

A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearse flies open and the coffin falls out then speeds down the street into a chemist shop and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, “You got anything to stop this coffin ?”

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September 10, 2013 · 17:21

The Minister, The Doctor and the Lawyer

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most – his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.

He told them, “I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”

All three  agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,  each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the Minister said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
John Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know   he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed roof repairs very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave  me and put it towards it. I only put £20,000 in the coffin.”

The Doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one  another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full  £0,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could  have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,  but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.

I used £20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I  might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith  would have wanted me to do that.”

The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you! I put the full £30,000 into Smith’s coffin, and my personal cheque is always good.”

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Oops!

Oops!

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May 15, 2013 · 11:16

Dead Ends

The Meenister’s Log

The snow was falling heavily and the hearse was struggling to climb the hill.  Leaving the driver behind the wheel, the funeral director and myself got out and tried to push it up the incline.  Unfortunately, the hatchback door opened and the coffin started to roll out.  Tom, the undertaker, slipping and sliding and trying to push the casket back in, and me pushing him from behind, looked as if we were in a Laurel and Hardy short.  We had a quick short once we got back in the now mobile hearse – Tom usually carried a hip-flask with him.

Another funeral – driving slowly and sedately along a busy high street on a Saturday morning, en route to the crematorium, the driver of the hearse saw, walking along the pavement a real honey of a young lady wearing a pelmet as a skirt.  He slowed down even more to admire this beauty, and so, obviously, did the driver behind whose car ran into the back of us.

Now, this happened opposite a police station. Our driver went immediately across the road to be told amazingly to wait until a police car arrived on the scene!

It did eventually and our undertaker was breathalysed (no booze in his system).  Paperwork then had to be completed and witness statements taken.

I interjected “Can this be done later, please – we’re already running late for the service?

Police Officer: “Will it make any difference – the guy in the box is deid anyway… ten minutes ain’t going to resurrect him!”

A fellow clergyman was in full flow whilst paying tribute to the deceased, when interrupted by a voice from the back of the crematorium: “He was nothing but a lying, cheating, drunken waste of space!”

Minister: “Nevertheless….”

(alternative riposte:   “Well, we all have our bad days..”)

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Funerals – Trinidad style….. 2

from The Meenister’s Log – August 3, 2012

I conducted several funeral services when I was ministering in Trinidad in the late 1970s/early 80s

The custom was to have the open coffin at the entrance to the church and the mourners would file past, looking at the deceased  (I remember overhearing one of the congregation saying of the corpse “doesn’t she look well?”).

After the church service, it was basically a free for all getting to the cemetery which was a few miles away.

We simply waited until everybody turned up (often the hearse was last to arrive)

The lid on the coffin was re-opened in order for everyone to have a last look.

–ooOO00–

Once at Lapeyrouse Cemetery in Port of Spain, the younger sister of the deceased – an elderly lady – looked into the open coffin and said with a loud chuckle to her dead sibling: “I’M the boss NOW!”

******

On another occasion, some of the mourners took Polaroid photographs (this in the days before digital cameras) of the deceased as he lay in his casket.  They then compared them with each other to see who had got the best shot!  “That’s his better side”  “No, this one of his face looks really good -so peaceful” etc.

******

Prior to one interment, for no apparent reason (and no, I don’t think it was out of affection), the son of the deceased bent over the open coffin and tweaked his late mother’s nose!  No, I don’t know why either.

******

Then the coffin would be lowered ………

A funeral in Trinidad isn’t considered to be really acceptable, without a lot of uncontrolled weeping and wailing.  The more the hysteria, the better the occasion.

You just had to have crying and distress and the louder the better – sometimes I could hardly be heard above the din.

After this would be done,the gravediggers, sometimes with cigarette in mouth and half bottle of rum in back pocket, would cheerfully start to fill in the grave, chatting animatedly to each other.

Unlike our way of doing things, everyone stayed on until the grave was filled in completely with the reddish clay soil of that particular area.

This, naturally, would lead to more upset amongst the mourners.  Often one of the family members (usually middle aged/elderly female) would grab a shovel and join the gravediggers in their task, before collapsing with emotion and being helped back to where the others were standing.

******

We’re all different and show our feelings in different ways. Perhaps we should learn from this and let our grief be more open and expressive, instead of bottling it up.

But what a contrast to the quiet (sometimes too quiet) dignity of a father carrying the small white coffin of his baby or child to the graveside  ………….

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