Tag Archives: confessional

A real oldie – but worth re-telling

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October 24, 2014 · 09:34

I Can’t Hear You

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, ” Charlie, did you take any of the offering?” This time, Charlie replied, “I can’t hear you.”

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, “I can’t hear you.”

Finally, the priest yelled, “CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?”

Again, the reply was, ” I can’t hear you.”

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, “Trade places with me and you can ask me a question.”

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, “Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?”

To which the priest replied, “By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!”

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In the Confessional

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin,
there’s no paper on this side either!”

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Confessional

“Father, I have sinned”
“Yes?”
“I had sex twice with a prostitute last night”
“Three Hail Marys”
“But, Father, she’s a good Catholic”.
“Very well, two Hail Marys”
“And it was two for the price of one”
“Give me her address and I’ll pick up the freebie!”

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Fr O’Malley and the acrobatic dancer

The Meenister’s Log

 

As soon as she had finished at St Mary’s convent school in Mullingar, a bright young girl named Aileen shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday evening went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.Religious Joke - Fishing Tale

In the confessional Father O’Malley recognised her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father O’Malley, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two elderly ladies. They witnessed Aileen’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, ‘Will you just look at the penance Father O’Malley is giving out this night, and me without me bloomers on.’

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