Tag Archives: Desmond Tutu

Homophobic Heaven

Homophobic Heaven

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April 2, 2014 · 11:11

Jesus Moves Up The Rapture

from “Nine Inch News”

Posted on August 8, 2013 By DPReligion


A clearly exasperated Jesus announced today that he would be moving up the rapture over one thousand years because of the state of the planet and Christianity as a whole.

The savior pointed out that “By the time the climate change deniers on the born again side are done, there won’t be a planet to rapture.”

Jesus then went on to grouse that “Dad and I put ‘taking care of the Earth’ in the sacred text, and they are letting it all go to shit.” He continued, “Now I gotta move up my time-table for the great return because these clowns ignore what we said, except for all the mean parts.”

When asked about the mean parts, Jesus listed “an eye for an eye” and “Leviticus” in particular. He pointed out that his flock does a great job with “Ye Olde Testament,” but “are absolute shit on the New Testament.” He then added, “You know, after I CAME.”

He also expressed mounting frustration with all the prayers from the hard-core Christians for him to hurry up and come back. He said, “Can you people even imagine my inbox? He then lamented that he must be “too slow” for his believers, because they obviously are in a “great hurry” to end the world he gave them in the first place.

Jesus then mentioned that due to the terrible inconsistency of Christians on Earth, he would have to create three levels in the after world. The first would be run by Bishop Desmond Tutu and would be for all the truly righteous and decent Christians who “took that Love One Another shit I said seriously.” The good Bishop would see to it that all the splendors of heaven would be shared equally among the group.

The second level would be for the benign and confused holier than thou types who meant no harm, but obviously had fundamental reading issues, like Rick Warren. Jesus said, “It will be a decent enough place, sort of like a Holiday Inn.” On the second level, there would be chores. First and foremost, would be the duty of all those in attendance to look into the New Testament until they found the part where he spoke about gay marriage. He then winked at the press and mumbled something about it being a “trick question.”

At first, Jesus did not want to share details about the third level, but he did mention something about renting basement space from someone named “Lucy,” but then his voice trailed off.

Finally, Jesus was asked about all the non-Christians. He replied, “Oh, they are all going to go with Bishop Tutu.” When someone in the crowd said “but doesn’t that go against the gospels?” Jesus responded, “We’ve been making some changes to the charter, those people have spent too much time with my followers, they’ve suffered enough.”

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Filed under The Ramblings of a Reformed Ecclesiastic

at University, Desmond only got a Tutu


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May 30, 2013 · 15:55

Heaven: Surprise! Surprise!



“We might be surprised at the people we find in heaven. God has a soft spot for sinners. His standards are quite low.” 

~ Desmond Tutu

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May 5, 2013 · 16:45

Desmond Tutu – Acceptance Speech, Nobel Peace Prize Award – 10 December 1984, in the Oslo City Hall, Norway (closing remarks)

We work assiduously so that all of God’s children, our brothers and sisters, members of our one human family, enjoy the basic human rights, the right to a fulfilled life, the right of movement, the freedom to be fully human within a humanity measured by nothing less than the humanity of Jesus Christ himself, then we are on the road inexorably to self-destruction, we are not far from global suicide. And yet it could be so different.

When will we learn that human beings are of infinite value because they have been created in the image of God, that it is blasphemy to treat them as if they were less than this, and to do so ultimately recoils on those who do this? In dehumanizing others, they are themselves dehumanized. Perhaps oppression dehumanizes the oppressor as much as, if not more than, the oppressed. They need each other to become truly free, to become human. We can be human only in fellowship, in community, in koinonia , in peace.

Let us work to be peacemakers, those given a wonderful share in our Lord’s ministry of reconciliation. If we want peace, so we have been told, let us work for justice. Let us beat our swords into plowshares.

God calls us to be fellow workers with him so that we can extend his kingdom of shalom, of justice, of goodness, of compassion, of caring, of sharing, of laughter, joy and reconciliation, so that the kingdoms of this world will become the Kingdom of our God and of his Christ, and he shall reign forever and ever. Amen. Then there will be fulfillment of the wonderful vision in the Revelation of St. John the Divine (Revelation 7:9ff).

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Desmond Tutu at the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland, 2009

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April 24, 2013 · 22:59



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December 5, 2012 · 20:17