Tag Archives: flowers

Lordy!

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Jesus banned from M&S flowers

Nicholas Hellen, Social Affairs Editor Published: 1 March 2015

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M&S’s automatic phrase-checker seemed to object to the word ‘Christ’ in messagesM&S’s automatic phrase-checker seemed to object to the word ‘Christ’ in messages ( Chris Ratcliffe/Bloomberg )

THE words “Christ” and “Jesus Christ” have been placed on a list of banned abusive and offensive terms by Marks & Spencer.

Customers who try to include them in greetings with online purchases of flowers are prevented from completing their orders.

The policy emerged this weekend when a pastor’s wife was blocked from ordering a £35 bouquet of spring flowers as a gift. She was confronted with an on-screen warning: “Sorry there’s something in your message we can’t write.”

The blocked message ran: “Thank you for your care and practical help for Margaret in her last days . . . With love from her church family, Christ Church Teddington.”

Gerardine Stockford, 53, rang M&S’s call centre on Friday and was told a word must have been blocked. It turned out to be “Christ”. She said: “He had to write my message for me because I couldn’t do it over the internet.”

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Funeral Arrangements

While an old man lay dying in his bedroom, his family sat in the living room discussing his funeral arrangements. 
       
Son Arthur said: “Well, make a real big thing out of it. We’ll have five hundred people, and we’ll order fifty limos.” 
       
Daughter Emily disagreed. “Why do you want to waste money like that” We’ll have the family and just a few friends. One limo for us will be plenty.” 
       
Grandson Jim proposed: “We’ll have lots of flowers. We’ll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies.” 
       
Granddaughter Kylie said: “That’s a complete waste! We’ll have one little bouquet — that will be enough.” 
       
Eventually the rest of the family agreed that it would be foolish to spend lots of money on the funeral. They would keep costs down to the bare minimum. 
       
“No use throwing money away,” said son Edward. 
       
 Suddenly the voice of the old man could be heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom: “Why don’t you get me my trousers.” I’ll walk to the cemetery!”

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Burns Suppers

The Meenister’s Log

At this time of year, many different groups of people get together to celebrate the birthday of the Scottish Bard, Robert Burns (not to be confused with Rabbi Burns who was the Jewish comedian George Burns’ cousin)

Robert Burns

Weirdly,   it is assumed that the Parish Minister can add to the speechifying, even if, like me, you know or care little about our national poet.  It’s also assumed that all Ministers are excellent singers (I’m tone deaf) and can recite “Tam o’ Shanter” by heart and with all the appropriate actions (I’ve got such a poor memory that even after forty years of ministry, I have to READ the Lord’s Prayer!)

Anyhow…..

……..here are two examples from different speeches made a long time ago (and for those of a sensitive disposition, please don’t read the latter)

A wee Glesga fella decided one night to play “Partick Roulette”  For those unfamiliar with this phrase – it means frying chips when you’re pissed.

So the pan catches fire and he catches fire with an extra whoosh as he’s wearing a spilled alcohol sweater.

He ends up in hospital swathed in bandages.

To his surprise, out of the corner of his one remaining eye, he sees John Wayne, and the Duke is muttering something like “Oh, my love has a red red nose”

“OMG” he thinks, “I’m hallucinating – nae mare Lighter Fluid fur me”

Then – it can’t be Clint Eastwood, surely?  The “Man with no Name” is reciting “Wee, cowboy timorous feastie”

And Roy Rodgers “Tam o’ Sea shanty”

Enough!  “Nurse!”

“Nurse, where the hell am I?”

“In the bad burns unit”

“Where?”

“In the Western”*

* Western Infirmary, Glasgow  

WARNING – the following is “R” rated – do not read if easily offended (but I bet you will….)

This was at an all male Burns’ Supper in a former mining village:

Jean Armour was worried and agitated.  Her Rabbie hadn’t been home for a couple of nights.

Her friend tried to comfort her, “Och, ye ken whit he’s like, he’ll be hame soon”

And with that, staggering down the street came the man himself, holding a bunch of flowers (probably taken from St Michael’s Kirkyard).

“Here he is!  And he’s brocht ye flooers”

To which Rabbie’s long suffering wife responded, “You know what this will mean?”

“Whit, lass?”

“I’ll be lying on my back all night with my legs apart”

“Oh, dae ye no have a vase?”

http://www.youtube.com/embed/k2NvX6GLlYU

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Wedding Preparations

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding. 

“Och, it’s all going magic,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”

Archie nods approvingly.

“Hell, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in,” continues Jock.

“A kilt?” asks Archie. “That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that. What’s the tartan?”

“Och,” says Jock, “I’d imagine she’ll just be in white.”

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