Tag Archives: golf

Gowf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the
golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger appears, walks up beside him and whispers,
“Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,”
and sinks the birdie putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like
to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his
side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest
of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because
you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and from this day forward,
you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

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Some Jokes

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.  The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”


A minister woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

 So. . . he told the Assistant Minister that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day.  As soon as the Associate left the room, the minister headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.  This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.  Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.  After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

  At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”  The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then the Minister hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.  It Was a 420 Yard HOLE IN ONE!  St. Peter was astonished.  He looked at the Lord and asked,

“Why did you let him do that?”  The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”


A minister, was anxious to get home to his family after several days absence. He was travelling just over the speed limit when he was pulled up by a police officer who was unimpressed by my father’s explanation. “A minister, eh? How would you like me to preach you a little sermon?” “Skip the sermon,” he replied with a sigh. “Just take up the collection.


A Somerset parish magazine tells how Methodist ministers from the Welsh valleys were distressing the older members of the chapel by the length of their sermons. On one occasion an elderly man asked the minister, “And what is the subject of your sermon this morning?”. “The milk of human kindness,” replied the minister. “Condensed, I hope,” said the parishioner.


THE new minister was touring the Parish, getting acquainted with his parishioners. At one house a feminine voice from inside asked, “Is that you, angel?”  The minister hesitated for a moment and then replied, “No, but I happen to be from the same department.”

 


A parish priest had a flair for the dramatic. He got the idea of having a pigeon released from the belfry on Pentecost just at the moment when, on the church steps in front of the procession of worshipers, he would say, “Come, Holy Spirit!”  Pentecost came, and the sacristan put a pigeon in a bag, went upstairs to the belfry and waited. When the priest pronounced the words, nothing happened.  A few seconds later, we heard a voice from the belfry, “It’s stifled!”

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Gowf

Gowf

A RULING PASSION.

Mr. Meenister MacGlucky (of the Free Kirk, after having given way more than usual to an expression “a wee thing strong”—despairingly). “Oh! Aye! Ah, w-e-el! I’ll hae ta gie ‘t up!”

Mr. Elder MacNab. “Wha-at, Man, gie up Gowf?”

Mr. Meenister MacGlucky. “Nae, nae! Gie up the Meenistry!”

 

 

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 108, January 19, 1895.

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May 3, 2013 · 23:39

The Golfer and the Leprechaun

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
leprechaun-12337
… ‘Arrgh! What happened? ‘ the Leprechaun asked.
‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.
‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’
‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’
And the golfer walks off.
‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him .I’ll give him the three things I would want… a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here’, the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’
‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’
‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’
‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’
‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s ok’.
C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’
‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock. ‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’
‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

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Golf

A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Lawyer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.

Priest: George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Lawyer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

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