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Heaven

A minister was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into Heaven.

He asked them, “If I sold my car, all my CDs, books, iPad and PC, and everything I have, had a huge jumble sale, and gave all my money to charities and to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

As one, the children yelled,”NO!!!”

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the Kirk lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again: “NO!!!”

By this time, the minister was starting to smile.

“Well then, suppose I was kind to animals, gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my wife, would that work?”

Again, they all answered: “NO!!!”

Now, the minister was bursting with pride for them

He continued, “Then how can I get into Heaven?”

A six year old boy shouted out…………

“Ye’ve got tae be deid furst!”

 

 

 

 

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Hurricane Irma

During the devastation in Florida, caused by Irma, a curfew was imposed during the hours of darkness.

Sadly, a criminal element took advantage of the abandoned streets and looted empty homes and businesses.

The police shot ten looters during the night in Miami.

The crooks arrived at the Pearly Gates, but St Peter refused them entry into Heaven, because of their evil and callous behaviour.

Five minutes later, he reports to God, “they’ve gone”

God, “All of them?”

“Nope!” replies Peter, “The bleedin’ Gates!”

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A cat goes to Heaven

 

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,’you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours,all you have to do is ask.’ The cat says,’Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says,’Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later,6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said,’All our lives we’ve had to run. Cats,dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates,we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says,’Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later,God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’ The cat yawns and stretches and says,’Oh,I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!’

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Mississippi

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April 11, 2016 · 16:55

Luther, Calvin, Barth

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August 21, 2015 · 19:49

Heavenly hosts

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A topical story #GE15

While walking down the street one day an MP is tragically hit by a lorry and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & a pretty  nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift goes up… up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven’ he says.

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.’

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“But then Face to Face”

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Dawkins & Porn; Fry and Heaven

Telegraph.co.uk

Saturday 31 January 2015
Richard Dawkins wants to fight Islamism with erotica. Celebrity atheism has lost it
A tweet from Richard Dawkins’ account suggests beaming porn all over the Middle East. And Stephen Fry is angry with God. Who cares anymore?

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By Tim Stanley12:15PM GMT 31 Jan 2015
Richard Dawkins’ insanity has now become an English institution – like warm beer and rain. On Saturday morning, a tweet from his account asked why we don’t send lots of “erotic videos” to theocracies, adding that it should be “loving, gentle, woman-respecting” (I guess this involves the pizza delivery boy calling the next day). If we’re going down this road, I also hear that Islamists aren’t very keen on bacon, so perhaps we should bombard the Iranian countryside with pig carcasses? Also, miniature bottles of gin. And photos of hot guys making out – in a “men-respecting” and “gentle” sort of way.
After a few minutes of mockery, the tweet was deleted. Perhaps even he realised how utterly mad it was. Which suggests a degree of self-awareness that I didn’t think possible in Britain’s nuttiest professor. Time was when it looked like Dawkins was about to go the full “nut-job 180” and declare that, upon reflection, there actually is a God and it’s Richard Dawkins – and have himself blasted into space on the back of a dolphin singing Onward Christian Soldiers.

As you can tell, I’ve come to regard Dick with a great deal of affection. He’s just a mad uncle – a genius academic with monomania who probably isn’t a bad person just a rather naïve one. And his capacity for dreaming up new ways to irritate the religious is, at least, not boring.


The same, alas, cannot be said of Stephen Fry. When asked by the great Gay Byrne on Irish telly what he would say to God if he met him, super atheist Fry had this response: “I’ll say: bone cancer in children, what’s that about? How dare you how dare you create a world where there is such misery that’s not our fault? It’s utterly, utterly evil. Why should I respect a capricious, mean-minded, stupid god who creates a world which is so full of injustice and pain?”

He went on to say that he much prefers the Greek gods.
Saying that you prefer the Greek gods to the Christian one is akin to screaming “I did classics at school!” and is really just showing off. It’s also morally corrupt, because the Greek gods rather liked raping and murdering – and were often immune to human pleas for compassion. Moreover, Fry’s central point, that a God who is all-powerful yet does nothing about suffering must be cruel, is – sigh – rather passé.

Not only has theology dedicated itself for thousands of years to unpicking that problem but the answer to it is there in the very Bible itself. Since Adam and Eve ate the apple, we’ve been living in a fallen world full of pain. God granted us free will not only to do bad things but also good things – like finding a cure for cancer or caring for those dying from it.

Terrible things happen because of a) random acts of nature, b) the intervention of the Devil or c) the corruption of man. I’m not saying anyone has to believe what I write, but please don’t act like it’s never been said before or that the answer to Fry’s facile question doesn’t exist. Dear Stephen imagines that he’s the first person in history to wonder why folks suffer. He’s not. He is, however, strangely upset about something that he doesn’t even believe in. Who gets angry about an imaginary conversation?
Ultimately, I don’t care that Fry doesn’t believe in God or that he spouts off about it at every given opportunity like a crazy man on a bus. What irritates me is that his remarks are reported as though they are important. He’s not Oscar Wilde (who died a Catholic). He’s not even Benny Hill (who was funny). Celebrity atheism was a big thing ten years ago but now is old hat and rather tiresome. Oh, there are atheist thinkers out there whose opinions are worth hearing and there are eloquent people of faith ready to respond. But why must it always be the same old bores boring on about the subject? This yawnfest has to stop.

© Copyright of Telegraph Media Group Limited 2015

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Heaven

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January 4, 2015 · 15:46