Tag Archives: hell
So, this guy dies…….
……and wakes up on a beach.
The weather is hot, the sea is turquoise and warm, beautiful girls are playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy.
All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.
“Welcome to Hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me.” he says.
The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl.
He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole.
The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.
“Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What’s that about?”
“Oh”, Satan says:
“That’s for the Christians, they want it that way.”
While walking down the street one day an MP is tragically hit by a lorry and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.
I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & a pretty nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift goes up… up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven’ he says.
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.’
This is said to be a favourite story of President Lyndon Johnson. A minister was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When they sat down, the minister shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.” This startled the dozing man. Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the minister, “I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favour of it.”
John Shelby Spong, retired Episcopal bishop from Newark, N.J., talks about why Christianity must change its view of hell
“Religion is always in the control business .. our problem is not that we are born in sin. Our problem is that we do not yet know how to achieve being fully human” Bishop Jack Spong.
The meenister’s vague recollection
In my first charge (1974) I was asked by a Parishioner if I believed in “Hell”
Before I answered, I asked her what she imagined or thought Hell to be……
…. and got the usual conventional answer of pain, torture, horror etc.
I then asked where do you think it is?
answer: “down below”
And who goes there?
“Well” said I, “we’ll both be there together, stoking the furnaces”
She didn’t come back to Church!