Tag Archives: lawyer

History of a property

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. 

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract—tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: 

‘We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.’ 

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government: 

‘Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it. 

‘I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella. 

‘The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus’ voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. 

‘Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you’re satisfied.’ 

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An Oldie

SMARTEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

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Heart Attack

charlie

Charlie Chaplain’s Tales

 

 

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, “you’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a local minister”.

The man quickly responds, “the lawyer’s”.

The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”

The man says, “I already know enough. We all know that clergymen are bleeding hearts and the lawyer’s probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney’s!”

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The Lawyer and the Meenister

A clergyman and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the minister to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.

St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the minister says “Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”

St. Peter says: “Well, clergy are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”

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The Minister, The Doctor and the Lawyer

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most – his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.

He told them, “I’m going to give you each £30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”

All three  agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral,  each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the Minister said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
John Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know   he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed roof repairs very badly, and I took £10,000 of the money he gave  me and put it towards it. I only put £20,000 in the coffin.”

The Doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one  another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full  £0,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could  have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine,  but the machine cost £20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.

I used £20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I  might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith  would have wanted me to do that.”

The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you! I put the full £30,000 into Smith’s coffin, and my personal cheque is always good.”

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Golf

A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Lawyer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.

Priest: George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?

George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight

Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

Lawyer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

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Grave Humour

A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
“Here lies a lawyer and an honest man…”

“Ach, who’d ever think…” he murmered, “there’d be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave…”

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