Tag Archives: nun

We’ll have nun of that here

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy-dress party!”

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Top of the Popes?

Nun from the Order of the Ursuline Sisters of the Holy Family wows the judges and audience of the Italian version of “The Voice”. This could become a habit

 

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March 21, 2014 · 09:15

The Wrong Side of the Bed

From the Dave Allen show

A nun gets out of bed , walks down the corridor , the first nun she sees says “Have you got out of the bed the wrong side this morning ? ” She ignores her colleague.
Thereafter every nun she passes says the same thing. “have you got out of bed on the wrong side this morning? ”
Then the Mother Superior calls the nun into her office.
The nun says”Look Mother, I am really annoyed about everyone saying that I have got out of bed the wrong side . I hope you aren’t going to say the same thing”

The Mother Superior said “No I am not going to say that, but why are you wearing the bishop’s shoes ? ”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-25787757

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World’s longest-serving nun dies after spending dies, aged 105, after spending 86 years in cloisters

By  Tara Brady

PUBLISHED: 23:39, 12 June  2013 |  UPDATED: 08:11,  13 June 2013

A woman believed to be the world’s  longest-serving nun who spent 86 years  living in a monastery has died in Spain aged 105.

Sister Teresita Barajuen died last night  according to Sister Maria Romero, abbess of the Buenafuente del Sistal monastery  outside Madrid.

She entered the Cistercian monastery when she  was 19, according to the abbess.

 
Devoted: Sister Teresita Barajuen who has died in Spain at the age of 105

Devoted: Sister Teresita Barajuen who has died in Spain  at the age of 105

Sister Teresita acknowledged in interviews  that like many young women at the time, she never intended being a nun but  entered the monastery because of family pressure.

In 2011 she left the monastery for the first  time in 40 years to meet now-retired Benedict XVI during a papal visit to  Madrid.

 She entered the monastery on the same day he  was born.

The Order of Cistercians is a Roman Catholic  religious order of enclose monks and nuns.

 
Sister Teresita said she never intended to be a nun but entered the monastery because of family pressure

Sister Teresita said she never intended to be a nun but  entered the monastery because of family pressure

 
Sister Teresita met the now retired Pope Benedict XVI in 2011 when he visited Madrid

Sister Teresita met the now retired Pope Benedict XVI in  2011 when he visited Madrid 

Sister Teresita entered the monastery on the same day Pope Benedict (pictured) was born

Sister Teresita entered the monastery on the same day  Pope Benedict (pictured) was born

They are sometimes also called the  Bernardines or the White Monks, in reference to the colour of the habit over  which a black scapular is worn.

The emphasis of Cistercian life is on manual  labour and self-sufficiency. Many abbeys have traditionally supported themselves  through activities such as agriculture and brewing ales.

The term Cistercian is the Latin name for the  village of Cîteaux, near Dijon in eastern France.

It was in this village that a group of  Benedictine monks from the monastery of Molesme founded Cîteaux Abbey in 1098,  with the goal of following more closely the Rule of Saint Benedict. 

There has also always been a large number of  Cistercian nuns; the first community was founded in the Diocese of Langres in  1125.

 

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Number of priests and nuns in marked decline

Pope Francis 'to appoint more women to key Vatican posts'

The number of the pontiff’s own order has almost halved since 1973
Despite the popularity of Pope Francis, the latest figures from the Vatican show that there are 300,000 fewer nuns and priests in religious orders than there were 40 years ago with a marked decline in Europe, the US and Oceania.

While the total number of priests – in both diocesan and religious orders – around the world grew from 412,236 to 413,418 last year, the number of the pontiff’s own order, the Jesuits or Society of Jesus, has almost halved since 1973 dropping from 30,860 to 17,287.

Pope Francis is the first Jesuit pope and incorporated the order’s symbol, IHS, in his official coat of arms while he chose the papal name Francis in honour of St Francis of Assisi.

Since he was elected in March the pontiff has made few references to his Jesuit background but said that clergy who were “careerists” or “social climbers” were doing serious damage to the Catholic Church.

Apart from a decline in the pope’s own order, there has also been notable falls in the Salesian, Cappuchin and Dominican religious orders in recent years.

The Clarissa order of nuns has dropped from 20,423 nuns in 1973 to 15,573 in 2012.

The Vatican’s media spokesman Father Federico Lombardi, himself a Jesuit, dismissed the figures as nothing new.

“This has been happening for 40 years,” he said. “We are fully aware of the situation and we in the Jesuits have reflected the cultural, social and spiritual reasons many times.

“These are well-known issues that have been the subject of reflection for decades. There has been a decrease for some time it didn’t begin two days ago.”

While religious orders have been particularly hard hit in the West, the Catholic Church has benefited from significant growth in the Third World.

The number of men joining a religious order increased by 44.9 per cent in Asia and 18.5 per cent in Africa in the past decade as the church continues to expand in the Third World but the increases were not enough to offset reductions elsewhere.

Although the Vatican said the number of candidates for the priesthood – both diocesan seminarians and members of religious orders – grew overall from 118,990 at the end of 2010 to 120,616 at the end of 2011, this figure masks the decline in religious orders

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Heart Attack

An American guy suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Send the bill to my Brother-in-law.” 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/religiousjokes/heartattackjoke.html

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Ours

At a small parish in rural England there lived a priest, and several nuns. 
One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that the rugs in the church were 
beginning to fray. She went to the priest and told him, "Father, I believe your 
rugs need to be replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told her that he thought that she had been there long enough to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'
Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told him, "Father, I've noticed that your... I mean our hedge needs to be trimmed."
The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch that had gone missing. She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.
A few days later the parish received word that the bishop would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy readying the church for the visit.

On the day the bishop arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"
The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you find it?"
After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest and said, "I found it under OUR bed."

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The Soldier and the Nun

A Soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there

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He asked her, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain WHY later.”.T

The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two Military Police came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt And said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister, but you see I don’t want to go to Afghanistan.”

The nun said she can fully understand the fear.

The soldier added, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I’ve ever seen.

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of b***s you’ve ever seen! I don’t want to go to Afghan either.”

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Skateboarding Nun

Skateboarding Nun

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April 21, 2013 · 07:15

The Hippy and the Nun

A hippy gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. He looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun surprised and shocked by the question gets up and gets off at the first stop

When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippy, “I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you”.

“How?”

The bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prayto God.

“If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you”

“What a great idea!”

So on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.

At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippy jumped out from hiding and says. “I AM GOD” I have heard your prayers and I will answer them”

“BUT … first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but, blushes and says that it will have to be done “another way”  so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.

The hippy agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After he finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts “Ha, Ha Ha I’m the hippy!!”

Then the nun jumps up and shouts “Ha Ha Ha I’m the bus driver!!”

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