Tag Archives: nuns

Drink! Feck! Nuns!

Two nuns were shopping at a Mini-Mart. As they passed by the chilled drink cabinet, one nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”
The second nun answered, “Indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it may be a bit embarrassing  at the checkout”
“I can handle that without a problem,” the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with the booze.

“We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun said. “Back at the convent, we call it ‘Catholic shampoo.’ ”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of Twiglet sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: “The curlers are on the house.”

 

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Two Nuns meet Dracula

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny, little Dracula jumps on the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windscreen wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination”, says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windscreen  washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windscreen washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “NOW what?” shouts Sister Catherine?

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen, quickly.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts,
“Get the f*!# off the car, you f*!#ing little **** !”

She turns to Sister Helen, and asks “Was that cross enough?!”

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Vatican loos

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November 30, 2013 · 00:18

Falling

A priest accidentally falls off the balcony of a 20th floor apartment. He is caught by a man standing on the 15th floor balcony.

The priests thanks him and the man asks him “Do you want to meet my little brother?”

“Heavens no!” responds the priest and he lets go of him

He is caught by another man standing on the 10th floor balcony. He asks him, “Do you want to come in and meet some transvestite nuns?”

“God no!” replies the priest and he releases him.

He is caught by another man standing on the 5th floor balcony.

He screams to him, “I like boys!  I love nuns!”

He says, “And you a man of the cloth” and drops him

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Personal Relief

A small town has a monastery on one end, and convent on the other. The nuns need some supplies, so one of the priests is sent to deliver them. It’s a nice day, so he decides to walk the supplies over.
As he gets to the edge of town, a hooker approaches him and asks, “Hey father, how about some “personal relief”, 25 bucks?”The priest says, “What’s personal relief?” at which the hooker laughs and walks away.

At the centre of town, another hooker asks the same thing, with the same result.

At the other edge of town, still another hooker asks him the same question, to which the priest again replies, “What’s personal relief”?” And, again, she laughs and walks off.

Finally the priest reaches the convent, knocks on the door, and delivers the supplies. Before he leaves, he says to the mother superior, “May I ask you a question, sister?”

“Of course,” she says.

“What’s personal relief?” the Priest asks.

“Twenty-five bucks,” says the Nun, “same as in town.”

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May 14, 2013 · 14:42

Freiráticos

Love was at the epicenter of seventeenth century Portuguese life. Peasant women embroidered the word ‘amor’ (love) on their purses, and a woman, regardless of her rank, marital status, place and time of day, stared fixedly at the man she liked to let him know he could declare himself without hesitation… Locked-up wives found ways to take on lovers… Nuns were not excluded from the frenzy. So many men fell in love with nuns, they became known as ‘f(nun lovers). These spiritual and platonic relationships were considered the highest and most worthy form of love. Men failed to see the irony inherent in keeping their wives uneducated and sequestered, while, at the same time, seeking out erudite nuns over whom they had no power.

~ An Extract & Screenshot from Gabriel de Lavergne’s “The Love Letters of a Portuguese Nun”…

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Nuns on the Run

There were two nuns…
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It’s not working.
SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Mary’s!:)

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Little Sister

Quick – you’re going to miss it!Nuns on the run

 

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March 19, 2013 · 09:07

Nuns and Rabbis

 At a mass where some young novices were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two local rabbis enter the church just before the service began.

They insisted on sitting on the right side of the centre aisle.

The bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn’t have time to inquire before the mass began.

Then during the announcements, his curiosity got the better of him.  He welcomed the two rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become “Brides of Christ.” 

The elder of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, “Family of the Groom.”

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Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, “I was cleaning the father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked. “Well, of course I threw them all in the rubbish bin.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in the father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.”

“Oh my,” gasped the other nuns. “What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them,” she replied.

The third nun fainted.

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