A minister was sitting in his church office trying to prepare his sermon for the following Sunday.
He was constantly interrupted by the Beadle who was outside in the church grounds just beyond his open window.
Old John, the Church Officer, could be heard shouting “F*** off, you b****rds!”
Now the Minister was a kindly, devout and placid man – but enough was enough.
With a sigh, he got up from his desk and went outside.
“John,” he said, “what on earth are you doing? And such language too!”
“Well, your Reverence, it’s thae doos….. I’m tryin’ tae chase them awa'”
“John, there’s no need for such language. Just say “shoo!” and they’ll f*** off on their own accord!”
doo is a Scots word for a dove or pigeon
The Meenister’s Log
all sadly true:
Minister to School Assembly: “Boys and Girls, you’ll never guess what I’ve got in my pocket?”
Pulls out a packet of condoms
“Oops, wrong pocket”
Gretna Green is renown for the number of weddings conducted there each year. A Pastor of a local independent church used to conduct hundreds of marriage ceremonies there every year in the several different venues which are licensed to allow such services, such as “The World’s Famous Old Blacksmiths” and so on.
On one occasion, his mobile phone rang while he was conducting a service. Rather than ignore it, he answered it – it was from another “Blacksmith’s venue” asking where he was.
“Sorry, running a bit late – be with you in ten minutes or so, after I’ve finished with this lot!”
- “Ladies and Gentlemen, there will be a slight delay – the Bride’s waters have just broken”
- “Ladies and Gentlemen, the wedding is sadly cancelled” (the bridegroom en route to the ceremony was arrested for alleged theft at a Motorway Service Station on the M6)
This particular church was plagued by pigeons. One day, the Church Officer was frantically trying to get rid of them before morning worship began.
He chased them here; he chased them there – “Bugger off! Bugger off!” he shouted but to no avail.
With that, the minister arrived. “John” he said to the Beadle, “Don’t be so coarse. Just go ‘Shoo! Shoo! ………..
…. and they’ll bugger off in their own time!”