This is said to be a favourite story of President Lyndon Johnson. A minister was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon. One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it. As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep. Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man. When they sat down, the minister shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.” This startled the dozing man. Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the minister, “I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favour of it.”
An old Preacher was out fishing one day when he looked down and saw a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Sir, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The old Preacher smiled and put the frog in his pocket. A moment later, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said, “Sir, if you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
The old Preacher smiled and was about to put the frog back in his pocket when the frog shouted, “Wait! I’m a beautiful princess. I can make you happy!”
With a grin the old preacher said, “Honey, at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog.”
The preacher’s Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies.
Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, “how many of you have forgiven their enemies”?
He then repeated his question. As it was nearing lunchtime, this time about 10 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones?” inquired the minister “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
“I don’t have any.” she replied. smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three,” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.”
The sweet little old a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said “I poisoned some of them; others had fatal ‘accidents’ and anyhow I’ve outlived the rest of the old b*st**s.”
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.”
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.”
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass the feckin’ potatoes!”