Tag Archives: priest

The Retiring Priest

The Retiring Priest

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 40 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17-year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave a STD (sexual transmitted disease) to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.

But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late.

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Clerical Collar

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

… The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’

The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’

The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

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Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

 

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Confession

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June 13, 2017 · 17:34

Politician

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May 10, 2017 · 16:40

Catholic mums & sons

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April 29, 2016 · 20:13

Ha! Ha!

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March 28, 2016 · 07:03

Hello, Goodbye

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February 4, 2016 · 12:47

Lowering the bar

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Con-Dem’d

charlie

Charlie Chaplain’s Tales

 

Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Prime Minister David Cameron and his deputy Nick Clegg before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to 10 Downing Street, and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; David Cameron and Nick Clegg would be delighted to visit the priest.


As they went to the hospital, Clegg commented to Cameron, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Cameron agreed that it was a good thing.


When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Cameron hand in his right hand and Cleggs hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face..


Finally David Cameron spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”


The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”


“Amen”, said Cameron. “Amen”, said Clegg.


The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same

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