Tag Archives: priest

Catholic mums & sons

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April 29, 2016 · 20:13

Ha! Ha!

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March 28, 2016 · 07:03

Hello, Goodbye

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February 4, 2016 · 12:47

Lowering the bar

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Con-Dem’d

charlie

Charlie Chaplain’s Tales

 

Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Prime Minister David Cameron and his deputy Nick Clegg before I die,” whispered the priest.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father”, replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to 10 Downing Street, and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; David Cameron and Nick Clegg would be delighted to visit the priest.


As they went to the hospital, Clegg commented to Cameron, “I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Cameron agreed that it was a good thing.


When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Cameron hand in his right hand and Cleggs hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face..


Finally David Cameron spoke. “Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”


The old priest slowly replied, “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”


“Amen”, said Cameron. “Amen”, said Clegg.


The old priest continued, “Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same

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Sky Pilots 2

Two “men of the cloth” – a Kirk Meenister and a Catholic Priest – found themselves sitting on opposite sides of the aisle on a plane from Edinburgh to London.

About twenty minutes into the flight, there was some pretty severe weather, which resulted in turbulence.  As it got worse, the passengers became increasingly alarmed, and even the cabin crew began to look anxious and concerned.

One of the flight attendants approached the two clergymen, and said, “Father, Reverend – this is really frightening.  Do you suppose that you could do… I don’t know …. well, something, you know, sort of religious?”

So…. the Meenister leaned over to where the Priest was sitting, and said, “You take your side of the plane, and I’ll take this side”

The Priest stood up, and led the passengers on his side of the aeroplane in saying the Lord’s Prayer…….

Meanwhile, on the other side, the Meenister walked up and down the aisle, taking up a collection………

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A real oldie – but worth re-telling

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October 24, 2014 · 09:34

On being a Catholic – Andy Millman (“Extras”)

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February 18, 2014 · 15:39

Confessional

Confessional
“At one local church, Jack was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Jack. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.
Jack said that he did not take any of the offering.
The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. So the priest said “get in the confessional” which Jack did.
Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said “I can’t hear you”.
Again the priest asked “Jack did you take any of the offering?”
Again Jack answered “I can’t hear you”.
This time the priest yelled, “JACK DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING”
Again Jack answered “I can’t hear you”.
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, “Jack trade places with me and you can ask me a question.”
So they traded places and Jack asked, “I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?”
To which the priest answered, “By Golly you can’t hear in here.”

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Gowf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the
golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger appears, walks up beside him and whispers,
“Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,”
and sinks the birdie putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like
to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his
side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest
of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because
you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and from this day forward,
you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

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