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Lowering the bar

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Changing Religion

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October 16, 2013 · 08:18

HMRC

The local synagogue is having their taxes audited. The HMRC inspector goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue’s taxes.

Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. “Rabbi Rabinowitz,” he begins, “what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?”

The Rabbi quickly replies, “Well, we gather them up and send them back to the candle makers, and once a year they send us a complete box of candles.”

Slightly annoyed at this answer, the tax man makes another attempt to catch the Rabbi on something. He asks, “What do you do with the crumbs and leftovers of the cracker things you eat?”

He is pleased with himself as the Rabbi takes a moment to think it over.

After a moment, the Rabbi replies, “Well, we gather them up, send them to the cracker company, and once a year they send us a complete box of crackers.”

At this point, the HMRC inspector is furious, and the Rabbi knows what’s going on.

In a last ditch effort, the inspector asks, “Okay, and what about the leftover foreskins from your circumcisions? What do you do with those?” ..

Without missing a beat, the Rabbi replies,

“Well, we gather them up, and send them to the HMRC. Once a year, they send us a complete dick.”

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At the Pearly Gates

A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the  Pearly Gates. St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them sternly. “I have been reviewing your lives,” St. Peter began, “You’ve all  done a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow  any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one question.”

Peter turned towards the priest, “Father, when does life begin?”
The priest proudly replied, “At the moment of conception!”

Consulting his answer sheet, St. Peter said, “You’ve answered according to your faith.   You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

As the priest disappeared through  the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the minister. “When does life begin?”.

The minister, without hesitation proclaimed, “When the head leaves the birth  canal!”

Peter once again checked his list, saying, “You’ve answered according to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

As the minister  disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the rabbi. “So,  Rabbi, when does life begin?”

The rabbi thought carefully, stroked his  beard, and replied, “When the  kids eventually grow up and leave home.”

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A Rabbi and a Priest

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, “So how high can you advance in your organization?”

The Priest says “If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.”

“Well, could you get any higher than that?” asks the Rabbi.

“I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Archbishop” said the Priest a bit cautiously.

“Is there any way that you might go higher than that?”

“If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal”

“Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?” probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said “I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but…”

So the Rabbi says “And could you be anything higher than that? , is there any way to go up from being the Pope?”

“What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!”

The Rabbi leaned back and said “One of our boys made it.”

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Some Jokes

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating profusely by the time they came upon a small lake with a sandy beach. Since it was a secluded spot, they left all their clothes on a big log, ran down the beach to the lake and jumped in the water for a long, refreshing swim.

Refreshed, they were halfway back up the beach to the spot they’d left their clothes, when a group of ladies from town came along. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover in the bushes.

After the ladies wandered on and the men got dressed again, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.  The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”


A minister woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

 So. . . he told the Assistant Minister that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day.  As soon as the Associate left the room, the minister headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.  This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.  Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.  After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

  At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”  The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then the Minister hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.  It Was a 420 Yard HOLE IN ONE!  St. Peter was astonished.  He looked at the Lord and asked,

“Why did you let him do that?”  The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”


A minister, was anxious to get home to his family after several days absence. He was travelling just over the speed limit when he was pulled up by a police officer who was unimpressed by my father’s explanation. “A minister, eh? How would you like me to preach you a little sermon?” “Skip the sermon,” he replied with a sigh. “Just take up the collection.


A Somerset parish magazine tells how Methodist ministers from the Welsh valleys were distressing the older members of the chapel by the length of their sermons. On one occasion an elderly man asked the minister, “And what is the subject of your sermon this morning?”. “The milk of human kindness,” replied the minister. “Condensed, I hope,” said the parishioner.


THE new minister was touring the Parish, getting acquainted with his parishioners. At one house a feminine voice from inside asked, “Is that you, angel?”  The minister hesitated for a moment and then replied, “No, but I happen to be from the same department.”

 


A parish priest had a flair for the dramatic. He got the idea of having a pigeon released from the belfry on Pentecost just at the moment when, on the church steps in front of the procession of worshipers, he would say, “Come, Holy Spirit!”  Pentecost came, and the sacristan put a pigeon in a bag, went upstairs to the belfry and waited. When the priest pronounced the words, nothing happened.  A few seconds later, we heard a voice from the belfry, “It’s stifled!”

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The Bacon Tree

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days … and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?”

“Well, I think so,” the old Rabbi said, “but I wouldn’t go up dat hill, and down de udder side. Somevun told me you’d run into a big bacon tree.” “A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.”Yah, ah bacon tree. Would I lie? ….. Trust me, I wouldn’t go there.”

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

“So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.” Oh, you know Jewish people don’t eat bacon.” So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me.”

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “Oy….. wait a minute.” He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. “Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mistake! It wunzn’t a bacon tree. It wuz a ham bush.”

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The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

he Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won. ‘I haven’t a clue,’ said the rabbi. ‘First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.

‘And then what?’ asked a woman. ‘Who knows?’ said the rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch so I took out mine.’

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Confession

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.

In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.” 

The priest asks, “What did you do?” 

The woman says, “I committed adultery.” 

Priest: “How many times?” 

Woman: “Three times.” 

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

Priest: “What did you do?” 

Man: “I committed adultery.” 

Priest: “How many times?” 

Man: “Three times.” 

Priest: “Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.” The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned.” 

Rabbi: “What did you do?” 

Woman: “I committed adultery”

Rabbi: “How many times?” 

Woman: “Once.”

Rabbi: “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars.”

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The House of Ill-Repute

Two Irishmen are working in a ditch across the street from a brothel. A Protestant minister comes walking along and quickly sneaks behind the door.  The two men shake their heads and one says to the other, “What kind o’ time do we live in when men of the cloth ‘be visiting such places?”

They muse over this for a while and are getting back to work when a rabbi makes a dash for the brothel.  The two look at each other and the other says, “It’s no wonder that the children of  today are so confused, what with the example that the clergy are setting.”

They’re mulling over this when a Catholic priest sneaks up to the house-of-ill-repute, glances to make sure that no one is looking, and ducks inside.

The two men lean on their shovels,look at each other, and the one says, sympathetically, “Ah, what a shame…one of the poor lassies must be dying.”

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