Tag Archives: sex
There was a man whose life was marked with extreme vice. He smoked like a lum, drank like a fish, and had unbridled sexual passions.
He decided that he was headed for an early grave and resolved to turn his life around.
But he realised he would need some serious help, and so prayed to God.
That night God appeared in a blinding flash and said, “How can I help you, my son?”
“Well,” said the man, “I really need to turn my life around. I smoke like a lum, drink like a fish, and my days are spent in unbridled sexual lust. I don’t want to die young, so I need some help to reform.”
And God said, “There’s nothing for it. You’ll simply have to give up the fags, the booze, and the sex, if you want to live longer. (Well, it’ll seem longer anyway.) I’ll visit you again in a month and see how you are doing.”
A month later God once again appeared to the man in a blinding flash.
And God asked, “So, how is it going with the smoking?”
The man replied that he had been able to stop smoking completely.
“Very good,” said God, “and what about the drinking?”
The man replied that he had also been able to give up drinking completely.
“That’s excellent,” said God, “and what about the unbridled sexual lust?”
“Well,” said the man, “that’s been a bit more difficult.”
“Tell me,” said God.
“Well, I had been managing just fine until a few days ago,” said the man. “But then I saw my girlfriend bent over the freezer to get a packet of frozen peas. And I just had to have her, there and then.”
And God said, “There’s no room for that sort of behaviour in the Kingdom of Heaven!”
“Aye,” said the man, “and apparently there’s nae room for it in Tesco either.”
Christian couple maintains abstinence through first two years of marriage – Husband eats a whole raw potato to take himself out of the mood.
“If it was holy before, it must be double-holy afterwards,” Darla says.
They have now completed 25 months of marriage without any sexual contact, going about their normal lives, jobs and social calendar with no hint of relational strain.
Sometimes after dinner they will kiss in the kitchen and “start having bedroom thoughts,” Darla says, but they never fail to pull back. Darla breaks away to spray cool, misted water on her face. Jon eats a whole raw potato to take himself out of the mood. (emphasis mine)
They don’t know when they’ll finally break the pledge, and they feel no pressure. After abstaining so long before marriage, “a few extra years is nothing,” says Darla.
“Of course, we don’t lord it over any other couple who decides to have sex after marriage, but for us it’s about staying faithful to the abstinence message and the holiness involved with that,” says Jon who seems unbothered. “For us, true love waits, and waits, and waits.”
Charlie Chaplain’s Tales
A new Chaplain is being given the tour of the Hospital. He and the Director of Nursing walk the hallways of the hospital.
Passing one of the rooms he sees a nurse on top of a patient having passionate sex.
“What on earth is this nurse doing?!” He asked. The Nursing Director casually replies “this man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate 6 or more times a day, his testicles fill up with pressure and literally explode.”
The new Chaplain, stunned, but content with the answer continues on with his tour of the hospital.
A few doors down he sees a man bored and sighing trying very “hard” .
“And this man? ” the Chaplain asked.
The Director of Nursing replies “Oh, this man? He has the same condition as the patient with the exploding balls a few doors down.
But he’s not an NHS patient – he’s with BUPA
Bupa (originally, the British United Provident Association) was established in 1947 when 17 British provident associations joined together to provide healthcare for the general public. The original services offered by Bupa included private medical insurance, and eventually expanded to include privately run Bupa hospitals. Bupa had an initial registration of 38,000 when founded, but currently has over 11 million members worldwide, and is the largest private health insurance provider in the UK
warning – explicit language
the ideal story should include Religion, Royalty,Sex and Mystery.
The best example of this is:
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” said the Duchess,”I’m pregnant – I wonder who the father could be?”
The Meenister’s Log
A conference in St Augustine High School near Port of Spain, organised by the Presbyterian Church of Trinidad and Grenada – reluctantly agreeing to attend, assuming that I’d be part of the audience.
I had some difficulty in making out what the chairman was saying – because of his strong Trini accent and the fact that he had a slight speech impediment.
He seemed to be waffling on about religious cults – and, I have to admit that I wasn’t paying too much attention…. until I heard “And we now invite the Reverend Stritchen (sic) – may I break off here, and recall that the door plate which I inherited from my Strachan grandfather: “A Strachan” was misread by a postman many moons ago who addressed my Grandad as “Mr Astrakhan”
Anyhow, Reverend Stritchen or whoever was invited to take the stage to talk about what I had understood was SEX in Scotland (it was, of course, SECTS) and proceeded to ramble on about personal relations but (mercifully) not in any lurid detail – to the entire puzzlement of the audience of sixth- form girls.
When I got home, Helen asked me what I’d talked about and said: “Oh no, not the one about “sex” being what they carry coal in Morningside?”
No they wouldn’t have got that.
“No”, says she, “you didn’t tell the old story of the Minister giving a talk about sex to a girls’ school – when he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the girls
“A few days later, she ran into some of the teachers on the shopping centre and they complemented her on the speech her husband had made.
“She said: “Yes I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he has only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk and the second time he fell off.”
Unfortunately, I had told that story …. and neither did they get that one!
* an old word for “lisp”