Tag Archives: Devil

Adult Baptism

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August 23, 2016 · 20:14

Welcome to Hell

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Filed under The Ramblings of a Reformed Ecclesiastic

A topical story #GE15

While walking down the street one day an MP is tragically hit by a lorry and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’ And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & a pretty  nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift goes up… up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven’ he says.

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

‘I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.’

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Gowf

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the
golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger appears, walks up beside him and whispers,
“Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,”
and sinks the birdie putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like
to get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay,” and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his
side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest
of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because
you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and from this day forward,
you will have no sex life.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”

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Deathbed

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!” The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?” The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”

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“Will a person gain anything if he wins the whole world and loses his life?”

A popular musical of the 1950s was ‘Damn Yankees’ which was made into a film.

The leading character is a middle-aged man – Joe Boyd – who from childhood has dreamed of becoming a famous baseball player.

And then it happens – one night a mysterious character, a Mr Applegate, walks into Joe’s life and tells him that he has the power to make Joe’s dream a reality.

Mr Applegate can turn middle aged Joe Boyd into Joe Hardy, a young athletic and gifted baseball player who will transform the team and take them to dizzy new heights.

The question, of course, in Joe’s mind is “Who is this enigmatic Applegate person?”

Well, as you may have guessed, the mysterious Mr Applegate is none other than the Devil himself in human form.

It’s then that Joe learns that there’s a catch to all this.  In exchange for stardom, he must sell his soul to the devil.

Joe finds the offer impossible to refuse.  He agrees to it, but on one condition – that he can back out of the agreement, if he wishes, just before the team has secured the championship.

The devil, believing that once Joe has tasted success, he’ll never want to give it up, agrees.

So Joe writes a short note, kisses his sleeping wife good-bye, and leaves home to begin his new life.

And what a life! He becomes an overnight sensation.  Fans cheer him wildly, youngsters idolise him, and older people think of him as the son or grandson they had always wanted to have.

It’s an unbelievable experience, and Joe relishes every moment of it.

But, as the story progresses, something unexpected happens to Joe.  Gradually, all the fame and fortune begin to grow stale.  Deep down inside him, there’s an emptiness that he can’t quite explain.

Finally, the deadline date with the devil arrives. The prospect of major success for the team is there….but, after much soul-searching, Joe invokes the escape clause in his deal with the devil, and gives it all up.

 “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits himself?”

Joe disappears from the baseball scene as mysteriously as he arrived.

A few days later, he turns up at his home again, kisses his wife, and goes back to being Joe Boyd again, the middle aged man who once dreamed of being a baseball star.

 

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Welcome to Hell

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Satan Visits The Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a small town wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

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