Tag Archives: Satan

Dyslexic Father Christmas?

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November 19, 2016 · 20:11

Death’s a beach…..

So, this guy dies…….

……and wakes up on a beach.

The weather is hot, the sea is turquoise and warm, beautiful  girls are playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy.

All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

“Welcome to Hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me.” he says.

The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl.

He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole.

The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.

“Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What’s that about?”

“Oh”, Satan says:

“That’s for the Christians, they want it that way.”

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Nuts!

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….”

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done….”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
from: This Blew My Mind – http://www.thisblewmymimd.com

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Trinidad Soca for the First Sunday in Lent

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Trumpets in the Morning

Lawrence Lipton’s poem Trumpets in the Morning leans on the Jewish legend that the Satan misses something of life in heaven. Reb Yussel heads for the synagogue as usual but on this occasion the unusual happened. His shadow ran ahead of him up the steps, shows itself on the wall and then turns into a majestic prince with garments to match and an offer of much knowledge—even knowledge of the future. Reb knows it is the proud Satan who was banished after a failed coup against God—so they say—but he treats him with respect. Yussel doesn’t want to know about the future; instead he asks the proud one who has so much knowledge:

What is it you miss more than all else

Of heaven’s bliss?

The Satan pondered long.

Bowed down his head, then sighed and said:

“Trumpets in the morning,” and then was gone.

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Sir Winston Churchill arranged his own funeral, so certain was he of the eternal dimension to life.

At his own direction, the great hymns of the Church were played and the beautiful liturgy of Cranmer’s Book of Common Prayer used……

….. and then, and Churchill had planned this too: a lone bugler, located at the very top of the dome of St.Paul’s, began to play “taps”: the international signal for the ending of the day.

As the last note floated over the congregation, another bugler – also at Churchill’s direction – located directly across from the first bugler – began to play Reveille.

That’s Easter – God’s triumphal trumpet blasting out the stirring strains of new life – life lived in Resurrection glory – here and hereafter!

 

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Satan, your Kingdom must come down!

Satan, your kingdom must come down
Satan, your kingdom must come down
I heard the voice of Jesus say
Satan, your kingdom must come down

Gonna pray until they tear your kingdom down
Gonna pray until they tear your kingdom down
I heard the voice of Jesus say
Satan, your kingdom must come down

Gonna shout until they tear your kingdom down
Gonna shout until they tear your kingdom down
I heard the voice of Jesus say
Satan, your kingdom must come down

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April 15, 2014 · 12:36

Chris Okotie (via Nigeria Metro)

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Nigeria Metro “Catholics will go to hell, Pope Francis is the Anti-Christ” – Chris Okotie
Dec 2, 2013.

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Pastor Chris Okotie left his congregation shocked on Sunday (yesterday) when he said that all Catholics in the world will go to hell when they die because they are worshippers of Satan and are led by a Pope who is Anti-Christ and a friend of the Devil.

The fifty-five year old pastor made this controversial statement while he was preaching in his church, Household of God Church in Ikeja, Lagos. He said the Catholic church was a counterfeit church created by Satan. He accused catholics of bowing to idols and crucifying Jesus by eating His flesh and drinking His blood every Sunday.

“They are not Christians and have never been,” Okotie insisted, to the wide-eyed shock of his congregation.

“They don’t know Jesus. They believe that when they eat bread on Sundays, they are eating the body of Jesus. It’s ritual.”

He said Pope Francis is Anti-Christ, doing the bidding of the devil and that it was only a matter of time before the Catholic church came out to declare full service to Satan.

He urged his congregation to save the Catholics by evangelizing to them. He added that all he was saying wasn’t out of disrespect. Rather, he was showing respect for the word of God.

He added that it was only fair that those who knew the truth should bring it to those who didn’t in the Catholic church. He said that Pope John Paul II, one of the most revered popes in recent Catholic history, had handed over the Catholic Church to Mary, earthly mother of Jesus, and that the current Pope (Francis) had done the same thing, instead of surrendering it to Jesus Christ Himself.

He said that, while he didn’t write the bible, it was obvious that Catholics aren’t Christians and they do not serve the same Christ he preaches about in the bible. He added that Catholics didn’t even believe in hell, but in purgatory (“the purgatory that they invented,” he added)

Pastor Chris Okotie has been married twice, and divorced twice, and he announced that there would be a beauty pageant to announce the most beautiful woman in his church next Sunday. His yearly “Grace Programme” will also hold next Sunday.

The former music star, who is now a politician of sorts has always been a controversial character in Nigeria. He once said that it was the devil who informed him that he was going to be a preacher. Pastor Chris Okotie once said the famous Prophet T.B. Joshua was the son of the devil and his congregation will wind up in hell.

Pastor Chris Okotie has announced frequently in recent times that God has anointed him to be president of Nigeria. Alas, the prophecy hasn’t come to fruition yet, as he has lost in the two presidential elections he contested in.

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Get thee behind me……

A poor country minister was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a £350.00 dress she had bought. “How could you do this!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know,” she cried. “I was in the store, looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the devil was whispering to me, saying,”you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’ ” “Well, you know how to deal with him,” countered her husband. “Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’ ” “I did!” wailed his wife. “But then he said, ‘It looks great from back here,too!’ “

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Satan’s Beatitudes

Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians — they are my best workers.

Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked — I can use them.

Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church — they are my missionaries.

Blessed are the trouble makers — they shall be called my children.

Blessed are the complainers — I’m all ears to them.

Blessed are those who are bored with the minister’s mannerisms and mistakes — for they get nothing out of his sermons.

Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church — for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.

Blessed are those who gossip –for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.

Blessed are those who are easily offended — for they will soon get angry and quit.

Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God’s work — for they are my helpers.

Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and sister– for he shall be with me forever.

Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself — I’ve got you too!

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Satan Visits The Church

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a small town wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

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