Tag Archives: Earth
Jesus Moves Up The Rapture
from “Nine Inch News”
Posted on August 8, 2013 By DPReligion
A clearly exasperated Jesus announced today that he would be moving up the rapture over one thousand years because of the state of the planet and Christianity as a whole.
The savior pointed out that “By the time the climate change deniers on the born again side are done, there won’t be a planet to rapture.”
Jesus then went on to grouse that “Dad and I put ‘taking care of the Earth’ in the sacred text, and they are letting it all go to shit.” He continued, “Now I gotta move up my time-table for the great return because these clowns ignore what we said, except for all the mean parts.”
When asked about the mean parts, Jesus listed “an eye for an eye” and “Leviticus” in particular. He pointed out that his flock does a great job with “Ye Olde Testament,” but “are absolute shit on the New Testament.” He then added, “You know, after I CAME.”
He also expressed mounting frustration with all the prayers from the hard-core Christians for him to hurry up and come back. He said, “Can you people even imagine my inbox? He then lamented that he must be “too slow” for his believers, because they obviously are in a “great hurry” to end the world he gave them in the first place.
Jesus then mentioned that due to the terrible inconsistency of Christians on Earth, he would have to create three levels in the after world. The first would be run by Bishop Desmond Tutu and would be for all the truly righteous and decent Christians who “took that Love One Another shit I said seriously.” The good Bishop would see to it that all the splendors of heaven would be shared equally among the group.
The second level would be for the benign and confused holier than thou types who meant no harm, but obviously had fundamental reading issues, like Rick Warren. Jesus said, “It will be a decent enough place, sort of like a Holiday Inn.” On the second level, there would be chores. First and foremost, would be the duty of all those in attendance to look into the New Testament until they found the part where he spoke about gay marriage. He then winked at the press and mumbled something about it being a “trick question.”
At first, Jesus did not want to share details about the third level, but he did mention something about renting basement space from someone named “Lucy,” but then his voice trailed off.
Finally, Jesus was asked about all the non-Christians. He replied, “Oh, they are all going to go with Bishop Tutu.” When someone in the crowd said “but doesn’t that go against the gospels?” Jesus responded, “We’ve been making some changes to the charter, those people have spent too much time with my followers, they’ve suffered enough.”
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- Where did everyone go? Rapture Poem (ovds.wordpress.com)
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