A Christian Home

A particular family was driving home from church one Sunday.

Their two year-old son in the back seat of the car was baptised that morning. Suddenly, midway home, he bursts into tears.

When his parents ask what on earth is wrong, he sniffles out the answer:

“The minister who baptized me said I would be brought up in a Christian home.”

“Yes, and?” said his parents.

“Well I want to stay with you guys!”

Magic Water (via Jonathan Fleming)

There’s the story of one Minister who did a pre-Baptism Children’s Talk… They invited the Children to gather around the font before explaining that it contained ‘Magic Water’…
‘Do you know what’s magic about it, boys & girls?’
With eyes as wide as saucers, they shook their heads.
‘Well, boys and girls, the second this water touches a baby’s head, the family disappear and you never see them or their friends again!’

Adult Baptism

Wet, Wet, Wet

Brawling at the Baptism (or Kicking at the Christening)

Charlie Chaplain’s Tales

 

 

X…. & Y….. were long term clients at the old Crichton Royal Hospital here in Dumfries.

They were virtually inseparable and the best of buddies….. most of the time.

Every Sunday morning there was a half-hour service of worship in the magnificent Church on site, and both would attend most weeks…. but never on time; having sung the first hymn, during the prayer that followed, the door would be flung open with an almighty crash, and in would come the two amigos.

One of them – and this was during the prayer, remember – in a loud voice would greet the congregation with a booming “HULLO!!!”

Luckily, my prayers there were extemporised, so I was able to stop in mid-flow, and welcome them (as did the others present)

It was also usually their custom, just as I began the Homily, to get up and walk out – with a wave from one of them and the shouted valediction, “Byee!!”

Now, we had occasional Baptisms administered during these Sunday Services – the babies of hospital staff members, or the new grandchildren of NHS workers.

On one particular Sunday, one side of the Kirk was almost full with family and friends gathered for the administration of the Sacrament.

For once, the two pals were early, and sat on the other side of the aisle from the Baptismal party and guests.

Something must have been said or done, but within minutes of their arrival, an amazingly vicious and brutal punch-up kicked off.

And “kicked off it did” ….. and how!

Spilling out of their seats, the two guys ended up in the aisle beside the gobsmacked visitors who certainly weren’t expecting this cabaret of violence.

There was a look of horror – indeed, fear in some cases – on their faces, as the two combatants got stuck into each other, punching, eye-gouging, banging heads off the floor, kicking each other.

One of our regulars (a member of staff) and I managed to separate them.  A phone call was made to their ward, and off they went – under escort.

When the dust settled, I welcomed everybody warmly “on this very special day”, “filled with joy and happiness” – and I wasn’t being ironic.

Fast forward to the following Sunday; at the end of the first hymn, the door was flung open, and the familiar voice rang out loudly, “HULLO!!!”  And in trooped the two chums – the very best friends, of course.

Feline Folly

a Baptism

Charlie Chaplain’s Tales

Without sounding flippant, one of our mental health patients, who was extremely bright and clever, asked me, in my role of Healthcare Chaplain, to baptise him. We talked about this for several weeks, explaining the importance and the implications.

We came to the “big day” and I administered the Sacrament, after which I started to say the Aaronic Blessing – “The Lord bless you and keep you” – immediately to be interrupted by the newly baptised: “I bloody well hope so!”

Water

I remembered this yesterday, after 40+ years!

Students for the Ministry are under the supervision of the Presbytery within whose bounds they live.

At some point, near the end of their academic course, they are interviewed by a committee of presbyters – on a variety of aspects of Church matters.

At my meeting with the wise men of Dumbarton Presbytery, I was asked at one point by the Convener of this education committee about the Sacraments.

He asked – straightforwardly – “What is the element used in Baptism?” To which the answer – obviously – is “water”

Then the daft follow up: “What would the ‘Desert Fathers’ have done then?”

My reply: “I’m sure they would have found an obvious way to extemporise”.  Think about it!  Then added, “I don’t think that they were members of the Kirk anyhow!”

This humourless Rev didn’t say anything, but I think that I may have been on the cusp of being asked to “get my coat” (or – in ecclesiastical terms to p*** off; as opposed to the ‘Desert Fathers’ p***ing on)

Another “Oldie” – “Have you found Jesus?”

 

Jimmy who is always drunk stumbles upon a baptism on Sunday afternoon down by a river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "My son, are you ready to 
find Jesus?"

Jimmy looks back and says, "Yes sir"

The minister then dunks him under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I still didn't find him."

The preacher in disgust holds Jimmy under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you 
found Jesus yet?"

Jimmy wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

After the Baptism of Prince George

Prince of Wales to Dr Chartres: “I say, old bean, there was no need to bring your own plate with you; we’ve got more than enough for the Christening tea-party”